Why do men hide money from their wives. Husband hides salary? Husband hides part of his income from his wife
Money affects every area of our lives, every unfulfilled dream. This includes children, and a brand new house, and a new job, and traveling, and helping relatives, and self-realization. Money is not considered the equivalent of happiness, but it allows you to make dreams come true. That is why many men hide the stash from their wives and there are many reasons for this.
Reasons why the husband had to make a stash
The stash is an excellent escape from everyday humiliation in front of the wife, who, in theory, should inspire and love. The stash allows a man to get rid of the overt ridicule of his comrades about who is the head in the family.
The husband has to hide money from his wife if she does not allow him to spend it at his own discretion. In this situation, it would be important for the wife herself to answer the question: because of what such actions arise. There are many good reasons for such behavior. A fairly common reason when a spouse hides money from his wife, while she does not give him a penny, is to raise funds for endless fun with friends and alcohol. At the same time, partners most often do not think about the fact that funds are also needed in order to pay for services, purchase products and buy things for the child. Naturally, this is a good reason to forbid the husband to independently manage finances.
Women's priorities are not similar to men's, but here it is necessary to take into account the fact that if a woman does not deny herself whims, then it is simply necessary to understand her own spouse. The fact that the partner in this situation hides money from his wife does not implore her dignity. It's just that the representative of the stronger sex gets tired of dissatisfaction with his small desires and decides that his wife does not know about some acquisitions, because it will be calmer for everyone.
Also on the topic: Why did the husband become angry and irritable?
The opinion of men that they hide money from their wife
Each of these actions is called in its own way. For some, this is saving "secret" money for their own peace of mind, for some for unexpected expenses, for some for a divorce situation.
It would be important to note that not always a stash will be a bad deed of a man. Quite often, the accumulated finances end up spending for the family, for unpredictable surprises for the beloved. In the end, I would like to say that if a woman had to face the problem of her husband's stash, then first you should calm down and remember that in marriage it is important that it is not money that controls you, but you control them. After that, you can decide whether to execute the spouse for a stash or pardon.
Question to the psychologist:
My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years, now we are expecting a child - I am in the last month of pregnancy. There is constant distrust between us, before it always seemed to me that it was one-sided - only on my part, but as it turned out recently - this is also present on his part. The fact is that he hides part of his earnings from me. It became known to me not by chance, but because I decided to check it - one day he forgot his phone at home and I found on the computer the saved login and password from his personal account, to which his bank card is linked. After I logged in, a password with a confirmation code came to his phone and I was able to enter the personal account. There I looked at all his financial transactions over the past six months and carefully studied them - it turned out that he was hiding from me the 4th part of his salary. One might think that he leaves this amount for personal expenses (food, gasoline, etc.), but, firstly, this expense item is planned for him by default and I know about it, and, secondly, judging by banking transactions, he withdraws this money from the card, which makes me suspect that he is giving it to someone ... Because I didn’t find this cash, rummaging through his things. Of course, I would like to talk to him about this, and it even seems to me that I could do it calmly and correctly, but I don’t know how to explain to him where I have this information from. Say I'm spying on him? The fact is that I already had such "sins", I installed a program on my computer that monitors his actions on the Internet, from which I learned that he regularly visits the page of his former passion on the social network and "admires" her photos. It hurt me a lot ... I thought that he still had feelings for her, I threw a terrible tantrum, well, and confessed to him everything that I was following him. He explained this to me by saying that he was just wondering that there were no feelings - I preferred to believe. And now, if I tell him that I also checked his finances, I'm afraid that this will not improve the situation between us. Perhaps he will simply begin to behave more carefully and hide everything from me even more, since by limiting my husband’s freedom, I thus “block his oxygen”, which, of course, makes him want to escape, free himself ... I myself would probably felt the same way. But I cannot keep silent about this, because now I am tormented by thoughts about where he spends part of the money, how to make sure that there is trust in our family, because without it it is impossible to build a prosperous and happy family? Dear psychologists, I beg you - help with advice on what to do in this situation?
The psychologist Flying Igor Anatolyevich answers the question.
Irina, hello. You ask a question and you practically answer it yourself. If I write to you that it is not necessary to raise this topic, then ... I am 100 percent sure that you will raise it anyway, sooner or later, only if it is too late, then with a high probability that you will "throw out all your emotions" and there will be a scandal. .. Therefore, talk to your husband correctly, you can translate everything into humor, saying that you have certain inclinations towards observation and control, then clearly ask him where he spends his money. If there is indignation on his part, then remain calm and do not enter into a discussion. When the husband calms down, he will tell everything himself. But you need to look at the root of the problem, you want to keep everything under control, but you need to realize that harmonious relationships are not built on control. Let's look at an example with money: money comes into the house and you live normally, but he can spend it on anything, even if he borrowed it somewhere and pays it back, then why should the husband tell you about this? Perhaps he simply does not want additional conversations, but he himself gets out of this situation. You need to learn to adequately relate to such situations and understand that you can "be controlled", before a divorce .. Then it will be better for you? We must learn to build relationships in such a way that everything would be told to you without control. Why do you think your husband hides certain things from you? Yes, because if you find out about them, you will show your dissatisfaction and we can already conclude that it’s better for you not to say something than to “run into” another scandal. You direct your energy to self-development, start reading books on psychology. I recommend that you start with PSYCHO TRAINING ACCORDING TO THE ALBERT ELLIS METHOD, if you enter this into any search engine, you will find information that will help you change irrational attitudes to rational ones and adequately relate to life situations. The best option is if you find an opportunity for a full consultation with a psychologist at a personal appointment or online via Skype in video mode, where you will learn to live happily without control!
Many women wonder "why do men make stash?" According to them, the man has absolutely no reason for this. After all, women love their men so much and have never hidden anything from them. And they, traitors, are ready to deceive because of some thousand rubles.
One woman described the situation in her family on the forum in the following way: “I give my husband as much money as he asks. Why does he need any more stash?”
The second one expressed itself even brighter and more specifically: “I checked my husband’s purse yesterday, and there is more money than he was supposed to spend on pocket money. Apparently, he started a stash. Terribly disgusting."
After such eloquent revelations, the question " why do men stash' can't help but smile.
Indeed, why should they, men, do this stupid and dangerous occupation - to make stash. After all, it is much easier to come home, give all the money to your wife, and then, as a “pioneer,” resort every evening, faithfully look into your eyes and ask for “ice cream”. What is not an example of a happy family life?
It would all be very funny if it weren't so sad. It’s really hard for men to understand why, while receiving a salary, they still have to beg for money from their wife every week. After a couple of months of such begging, the husband will no longer consider himself a man. And the wife will begin to ask another eternal question, “Why do men get so spoiled after the wedding?”
And how can a brilliant idea to make a stash not come to mind here?
The stash becomes a great escape from the weekly humiliation in front of his wife. The one that, in theory, should love and inspire. The stash will allow a man to avoid the overt ridicule of friends about who is the head in the family.
You will be surprised, ladies, but the stash can also have positive aspects. At some point, it may become a pleasant surprise for you. And I'm not talking about those cases when you accidentally find it and make a successful shopping trip.
I'm talking about something else. At the time of financial difficulties, a man may well use his stash to solve family, and maybe your personal problems. Another stash can be used as a gift for you personally or as a pleasant surprise.
Do you think that this will not happen? In fact, it all depends on you. If a man is loved, respected and appreciated in the family, he will never miss the opportunity to show once again what a hero he is. And even if at that moment he does not have the notorious nest egg, he will find where to get the money. He will do anything to see admiration in your eyes. But remember, for this a man must know that he is valued here.
Returning to the question of the stash, the answer is very simple. All men want to be independent. First of all, this independence is manifested in the ability to freely dispose of the money earned. And for a wise woman, the important question will not be “why men make stash”, but “how to make your man happy to spend his stash on you”
Hello, I am very grateful to Toldot consultants for their help and valuable advice. My new question concerns the family budget. I read (and thought it was right) that a husband and wife plan a budget together, especially important purchases. They also have their own money. There is no planning in our family. My husband gives me a salary, I add my salary and spend it on the household. If I need some things for the children (or, for example, gifts and organization of birthdays), I take from this general salary money. Also - for mugs for children, medicines, doctors, some little things for yourself. But my husband has some money of his own. With this money, the husband buys himself the necessary clothes and books. Also, this money goes to sit in a restaurant with friends. Often (in my opinion) he buys and brings expensive (in my opinion) dishes in a restaurant (because he works mashgiakh) - this is convenient, of course, but ... oh, how expensive! And that's where my resentment begins. I never know how much my husband has this extra money. It is comfortable for my husband to have some kind of reserve, I understand this. But I am offended that I do not know at least the approximate order of the amount. (And how much of this housekeeping money, he probably does not know, he is emphatically not interested. But I constantly try to report the figures to him, tell him how much was spent and on what - that is, I do not hide it). It seems to me that if we consulted, we could better and more effectively distribute our household and this additional money (for repairs, for better rest). And also I would not be surprised that he bought such an expensive dish or such a thing. Secondly, it seems to me that we are unreasonably spending money - on something additional when there is no necessary one. I want everything to be taken into account and planned as far as possible. I often tried to plan with my husband, but he doesn’t want to - he says, I gave you a salary, spend it as you like (it means “and I will spend mine as I want”). I don’t know whether to leave it as it is (because, of course, for him this is a feeling of security and comfort) or you can change something (because, however, such closeness upsets me, but I won’t take this money away). First, there is a feeling that we are not very united. Secondly, against the background of the crisis, you really want to plan better, buy what you need. And another question: if a husband spends enough money on beer and cigarettes, how to treat this? As to inevitability (well, since this is his favorite toy), or should something change (but how if it's a mild addiction?) I see that the topic of money is connected with the topic of relationships, it's hard to advise without knowing us. Please give me some general advice. Thanks a lot. L
Postpone Postponed Subscribe You are subscribedAnswered by Ita Minkina
Dear L.!
You are right, the topic of money is related to the topic of relationships. For a woman, this is her relationship with her husband, the theme of responsibility and cooperation, and for a man, the theme of money is the theme of his power, his capabilities.
Now let's move away from this a bit and talk about "adjacent areas". It is important for any healthy man to know that he has his own personal territory, in which he is the sovereign master. It can be a time, a place or an area in life where no one puts pressure on him, where he is alone. (And women have such a need, but to a lesser extent than men). So, there are men who like to go fishing or to their parents - alone (wow, how nice it is for their wives), or simply "withdraw into themselves" and become deaf to the requests of their wives and to their presence. You can easily imagine how unpleasant and insulting this is for wives. Let's say more. The more wives control their husband's actions, his time, money, hobbies, leisure, etc., the more men feel the need to "go to their own territory" ...
Now let's get back to your question. Your disappointment at the inability to establish and implement mutual "transparency" and control is very understandable. The family in our understanding is something like a company with two directors, two accountants who must report to each other.
But if we talk seriously, like two adult women... Of course, this is unpleasant and insulting... But if he took for his own needs or for expensive purchases from household money, if because of this you, God forbid, would not enough for food for the family or clothes for children, etc. But this is not the case ... Obviously, it is important for him, as a man, to feel like the Owner, do you understand? If he bought restaurant dishes with the general household money - what pleasure is there for him? But he wanted to please you, to pamper you, to show generosity ... Is it possible to do this with money from your own salary?
Of course, you will object: I do not need this generosity! I prefer to buy a new vacuum cleaner together!
If you look at a husband and wife as two companions, then there is nothing to object to. But if the emotional component of marriage is dear to you, if you value the opportunity to turn your union into a fabric of relations between a Man and a Woman, then let your husband be himself, have his own money and spend it as he sees fit. And sometimes be generous and magnanimous towards you - the Woman of his life ... And you will be grateful to him as the Woman to whom you made a gift ...
Please don't be upset by what I wrote. I can assume that this upset you ... But let's think like grown women. We cannot cancel the need of a man in his territory, right? The desire to have your own money is also impossible to cancel ... But what can be done? Turn it into a fabric of relationships that will bring not strife to the family, but harmony and even more ...
You may not agree with everything in this book, and that's okay, but the general approach will undoubtedly interest you.
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Husband hides salary?
It is believed that everything in the family should be common, including the budget. And this is true, if your couple is well-established, then everyone will think about each other. However, there are husbands who have such a sin, he does not want to share such views. And this can be expressed in the fact that he begins to hide part of his salary. Such situations, of course, are very unpleasant, it turns out that the husband does not trust his wife and therefore hides the money he has earned. What to do if the husband hides the salary?
First of all, you need to understand what caused his behavior, first analyze your behavior, and then his. Let's look at a few options
A husband can hide money if his wife does not allow him to spend it as he pleases. Here you need to answer yourself: why are you doing this. There could be many good reasons for this. A fairly common reason is when a husband spends money on alcohol and endless fun with friends, not thinking that the money is needed to pay the rent, buy groceries and pay for the child's classes. Of course, this is a good reason to forbid a spouse to spend money.
It is clear that in this case the husband can begin to hide money. But the question arises, what to do in such a situation? If men have obvious problems with alcohol, then one cannot do without a specialist. Exhortations in this case are absolutely useless. But if the husband needs money just for fun with friends, then in this case you can try to talk to why the husband hides the money and explain to him why he is wrong, it is possible that the information on the family budget will be unknown to him.
To do this, it is useful to make a list of required payments for the month, and perhaps even attach checks. Tell your loved one what money is not enough for, and why you are asking him to give his salary in full. Another option is possible here - invite your husband to keep all the money for himself, but then let him buy a certain part of things and products or pay part of the bills. Most likely, he will agree to the second option, and this is even better, very quickly he will understand why you do not have enough money. If the persuasion does not have a positive result and friends remain in the first place, and he doesn’t care how you live, it’s worth considering whether you need such a family.
It happens when a husband spends money on things that his wife considers pointless and unnecessary. Many women do not like such expenses, and the result of discontent is the fact that the husband begins to hide money. It will be better here if you answer honestly to yourself: are you angry because his spending really affects the family budget, or is just the fact of stupid spending of money annoying? If you really do not have enough money for the needs of life, then talk to him, as I said above. But if the very fact of thoughtless spending annoys you, then think about the fact that some of our purchases are incomprehensible to men and they often wonder why, for example, buy another pair of shoes or a bunch of cosmetics.
Women's priorities differ from men's, but here we must already proceed from the fact that if you yourself never deny yourself whims, then you simply must understand your husband. The fact that a husband hides his salary in such a situation does not implore your dignity. It's just that the man was tired of being dissatisfied with his little desires and decided that if his wife did not know about such purchases, then it would be easier to live.
But the secret is always, when it becomes clear, and the fact that the husband hides money from you is also revealed sooner or later, and then it becomes very unpleasant. Talk to him and explain why you did this, and at the same time promise that he can no longer hide money and buy if he wants so badly, but not to the detriment of the family budget. If the husband sees that you will actually take his spending calmly, then the point of hiding the salary will disappear by itself.
Source: http://jenskisait.ru/index.php/otnoshenija/muzhchiny/309-muzh-pryachet-zarplatu.html