Does the ultimatum work with the husband. My boyfriend gave me an ultimatum
Olga-WWWoman: Hello, Hope! My opinion: if you have any doubts about dropping out of university because of this guy and moving in with him permanently as a roommate, then you should not move. If you really want to experiment on your own destiny, then you need to remember that education is for life, and there can be many more guys. I understand love. But love cannot be without reciprocity, and sooner or later, the cracks that have arisen between you will lead to a break, because you perfectly understand that if a person loves, he will wait, look for ways to solve the problem and will not put ultimatums of this kind. It seems that he needs not exactly you, but a mistress at his side. Although, who knows, perhaps he is trying to get you in this way, perhaps he is very bored and decided to solve this problem radically and forever, hoping that you will drop everything and move in with him. Firstly, then he needs to get married, otherwise he puts some strange ultimatum: You must give up everything, sacrifice your professional future and it is not known in what status to stay next to him, but he is not a covenant to marry and personally does not recognize you in love . Mismatch. He loses nothing and leaves a way to retreat, and you lose a lot and gain nothing but being with him for some time. True, I do not know all the nuances of your relationship with him and all the opportunities that may open up for you if you move to the capital, but even if he marries you and you leave, then you need to transfer to the correspondence department and continue your studies. This is the only option, it seems to me, that is acceptable for a reasonable person in this situation: official registration of marriage, departure to Moscow as his wife, and not a concubine, studying in absentia and obtaining a diploma is mandatory.
Natalya: Will he marry me?
Hello dear Olga! Your sober and intelligent view from the outside is very necessary, otherwise “you won’t see a face face to face”. Difficult. I'm 27, he's 29. We both look good. That's not the point, but still .. He, in his own words, becomes more attractive with age, he sees this from the reaction of 18-year-old girls to him at dances (he is an excellent dancer). He is very smart, works in a serious computer company, did not see a lot of affection in his parents' house - not a poor, but a large family, rather a cuff or a shout from a strict father or a mother's grumbling, but he feels the support of the family. Everything in life - education, work - he achieved himself. Parents paid for the studies, but he acted and studied on his own, very persistent in achieving the goal and very proud of his results, but not a braggart. I have a higher education, but in the field of art. In order to be interesting to him, sometimes I prepare to meet him, as for a lesson at school - I am looking for something that he does not know. Harmful in relation to food, and does not think to hide if he does not like something. The same applies to his mother, he says. I don't know her, I don't think she knows anything about me either. We've been seeing each other for four months. I call him "my sweet", I compliment him, but I also scold him for the mess in the room. He knows that I love him, I think even exaggerates my love for him. (I have learned with age not to let too close to my heart). Before me, he had girls, but no one called him sweet. He knows that I want to marry him. He asked me jokingly: do you want to marry me? I said, are you calling? I say, they don’t just answer such questions, only if they call. He is calling. I - yes, I want. He laughed, everything turned out to be a joke. Then he began to tell me about an open marriage, when, in addition to his wife, the husband also has a girlfriend, and the wife has the same, and this is normally perceived by everyone. From the very beginning, rarely, but sometimes he said that he did not want to marry, he could not stand children. I skipped all of this. But even now he tells me, but as if not about me personally, but in general, that he does not want to marry. Here, he says, my parents wanted me to buy an apartment in order to get married, but I just wanted an apartment for myself, and not in order to get married. This is what worries me. How do I know that he sees me as the mother of his children? If he doesn’t see, he must leave immediately, I don’t want to hurt myself too much, to delay it. I live separately, but almost every night, I have been spending three months with him. He works a lot, it is not always possible to take a walk, but I sleep with him. And even a week of menstruation, when we do not have sex, he still comes and takes me to sleep next to me. Yesterday it was meant that we would meet in the evening (I offered to take a walk in the morning), he did not come. I didn’t call, he sent a message at midnight - sorry, I couldn’t come today, I’ll be with you tomorrow. This has already happened a couple of times, you can call it typical behavior. Today I am going to be friendly with him, but referring to other plans, I refuse to meet. How do you see this relationship from the outside? Should I believe him that he does not want to get married? How can I make him want to marry me? Thank you very much for your attention, I really appreciate your work. Sincerely, Natasha.
Olga-WWWoman: Hello, Natasha! My opinion: He is still looking, you agreed to these "test events" voluntarily, now he can drag out time indefinitely, he is already doing well, why take on any obligations? All these conversations of his, in my opinion, are polite hints that you should not count on him in terms of marriage. If you were satisfied with such a relationship, then everything would be just perfect, but since there are differences of interests and aspirations, don't expect good. You will begin to put your dreams into practice, he, if they go against his desires, will take a step back (“I am a step towards him, he is two steps back”), and gradually you will lose even what you had - life in civil marriage without any obligations. As soon as you let him know that you are not going to marry him, he can again return to his original positions. I don’t think that you can force someone to marry in such a situation, you can only put everything in its place if you decide on an extreme measure: either we get married or goodbye. After such an ultimatum, it will be necessary to wait for time and not meet with anyone, even with him. Let's say give yourself 3 months. (It sometimes takes a man some time to realize what he has lost.) If he does not come with an offer, look for another partner. But already after you start a relationship with another, God forbid you to succumb to the pleas of your former lover, men often do this out of a sense of ownership - “I myself don’t din and I won’t give to others.” You will drop everything, return to him, to your old positions, and then everything will repeat itself, but in a much worse version. If he refuses you and you find another, in no case do not come back later - this will be, in my opinion, a fatal mistake. Nastya: Response to Irina's letter from Finland. Late, but still - Happy New Year! I read Irina's letter from Finland, dated 12/26/03, and found that she distorts the facts a lot in order to fit them into her theory. I wonder if she knows that in most European countries only 40% of women work, and the rest are supported by husbands? This is not my idea, but official statistics. And has she ever heard of a law according to which, for example, in Germany or Switzerland (I think also in Scandinavia), a man, if he earns more than his wife, is obliged to pay her huge alimony after a divorce, even if they do not have joint children ? I personally know one couple who lived together for 25 years, raised children and divorced, and now the husband cannot retire, as he is obliged to pay his wife a lot of money. And Russian women, as a rule, not only do not demand money from anyone, but also work like hell, despite the fact that the children and the house are completely on them, and many also support the whole family. It's amazing how you can casually offend the entire nation, just because some friend of Irina did not please her. Nastya (address and name can be published).Ksenia: I am pregnant from a married man. You know, I read Elena's story (My story is typical: I love a married man). Very similar to mine, but everything is much more tragic for me now. He also has a child, and a small one, the girl is 3 years old, well, I'm pregnant. He promises to get a divorce, but these are only promises, because. in fact, nothing happens. He continues to love everyone: me, my wife, and my daughter. And what should I do, I can’t sleep peacefully, eat, live, knowing that he is there with her, and he feels good. And the child wants a father. I'd love to find someone else, but who needs someone else's unborn child? I love him very much, but I can't stand all this. Moreover, he himself does not know what he wants. But the child was made purposefully, and he and I wanted him. And then there were changes, he began to move away from me and approach his wife. And I can’t and don’t want to have an abortion, I love this child. But how hard it is now without moral support, especially when you go to the antenatal clinic, and there everyone is with their husbands or lovers, and I am constantly alone and no changes are expected. And I can’t come to terms with the loss of him, and with him (or rather, even with them, because the impression that this is love for three) I can’t, I don’t have enough strength or nerves, but I shouldn’t be nervous. What to do? How to build further relationships? I dont know. He calls less and less, and we will soon stop seeing each other completely ...
Olga-WWWoman: Hello, Xenia! Why do you need such trials ... poor girl, I would not wish my enemy to be in such a situation. My opinion: Relationships should be broken, you should not humiliate yourself and ask for something. It didn't work out, it didn't work out, it didn't work out. You believed, but you were deceived, you left the child and already love him. This is the thread and the light that will lead you to joy. Elena: He is open, spontaneous, talented, smart, handsome - a killer set. Hello Olga! My story is probably not new, but not for myself. There is a man, a man, who is very dear to me. We probably cannot be called friends, although he quite often uses this very term in defining our relationship. We are also "partners", people who work in tandem. I liked him from the very first minute of our acquaintance, business acquaintance. After breaking up with a man who was annoyed by my passion for what I love, my new acquaintance seemed very confident, positive-minded, knowing how to achieve a goal, if it is real, and most importantly, respecting my desire to depend only on myself. I am an artist, and all these qualities of his have always surprised and delighted me in other people, especially since I myself do not possess them. And one more factor, which probably played a decisive role - this man is truly handsome, and not only with external beauty, his charm extends to almost all women, and men who are used to being favorites immediately feel insecure in his society, which makes them not too friendly. He is open, direct, talented, smart, handsome - a killer set. I resisted for a long time, seeing with what eyes women look at him, but after his confession that I was very attractive to him, I could no longer control my emotionality. Yes, and whether it is necessary, in any case, this is an experience, positive, negative - this is what life consists of. The only problem is that, knowing what beauties are next to him, knowing that he does not have the strictest moral rules, I can’t even hope for some kind of serious relationship. I don't want to lose him as a friend, it's nice and easy for us to work together, but for me he is, first of all, "the man of my dreams". I feel like I'm not good enough for him. Although I am undoubtedly smarter than all his girlfriends, more talented, he shares with me that he will not trust every male friend. He has a wife who does not live with him, everyone has his own life, he has a girlfriend who now lives in another city, he easily gets acquainted, easily says goodbye, but remains faithful to his friends. I like this lightness, it seems to me that it has little to do with frivolity. But it hurts me a lot, hearing his confession of a warm attitude towards me, at the same time feeling the impossibility of intimacy. Because he came up with a rule for himself: "Do not interfere with work with personal life," because he needs to be with a person for a very long time to get used to, to believe. Somehow, already more than a month ago, we allowed ourselves to relax, after a party at his house, we drank a little. .. and everything was pretty nice, but somehow for the first time with each other ineptly, and on his part also impassively. Though I suspect he's always like that. Then we met a couple of times ... he says that he is very interested in me. But obviously not interesting enough to respond to my invitation to go out tonight. Typical excuses are too much work, meeting friends, etc. We see each other almost every day at work. At first I wrote to him a lot, because he himself asked, now I don’t see the point in it ... First, I took a series of photographs for him, in which I tried to put my sensuality - now I have no thoughts, no desires to do something, create... He thinks I'm just like him, easy, full of "fans"... but I don't see anyone but him, and it hurts me that my "perfect man" can only remain a dream. I decide for myself that I will sign up for a gym, I will go to clubs with friends, I will live for myself, take care only of myself, just like him ... but it doesn’t work, I sit alone all evenings, not because I have nowhere to go, but there is simply no desire. I don't know if he knows my true attitude towards him. His smile alone can relieve all my depression, but only for a while. Then I am tormented by questions - am I doing the right thing, that I play by his rules, pretending that he is just a nice good friend for me. Why don't I act like my girlfriends - I don't flirt frankly, I don't flirt - I can see how he likes it, despite the fact that he then laughs it off: "All your girlfriends are preoccupied." I just don’t know how to do all this, it’s not mine, it won’t be me real. And not possessing beauty in its classical sense, I want to be accepted for who I am, without frills. I want to give him my love, without obliging me to anything, just so that he accepts it. I would be very grateful to him for this. Thank you for reading this long, incoherent letter. I don’t know what to do, what is he waiting for - even more so. Lena.
Olga-WWWoman: Hello, Elena! Many who came through love and marriage with an artist will be able to tell you: "Abandon hope, everyone who enters here..." Hope for a normal family. To enrich the personal, to educate feelings and experience - priceless, unforgettable and very painful. Many leave, perhaps because they did not love, but only chose something bright and extraordinary among the dullness. They love in their own way, paint canvases with your image, wear them on their hands, read poems and dedicate entire creative cycles, drag them around all the museums of the world, but the moment comes and they lock themselves in the office for infinitely long periods, and the wife, along with the child, stops for them to exist. The crowd must be silent, the CREATOR needs solitude, everything worldly humiliates and irritates him. Then again ups and downs of passion, words, deeds - like a theater that has nothing to do with family life. They need a WOMAN: for inspiration, to feed their EGO. He will take from you everything that interests him and inspires him, but in return he will not give anything except the mystery of poetry, creativity, passion. He will take you to all the museums of the world, give lectures on art history, give you unique knowledge and creative secrets. To refuse is unthinkable, to stay with such a family is like death. But to make friends, share views, problems, listen to compliments and just talk - they know how, however, it depends on the temperament. You were lucky to meet and fall in love with such a man. You must accept this lot and pay tribute to your feelings, without imposing and not humiliating yourself, only accepting what he can give you, and then go your own way, leaving him the temple of his art and exclusivity. Only if love - then you can become for him his Muse for many difficult years for you.
Jeanne (USA): A few words about foreign marriages and marriage agencies.
Hello Olya! Thanks for your wonderful magazine. Lots of interesting life situations. I would just like to say a couple of lines about foreign marriages and marriage agencies. My opinion - "who seeks, he finds." No one drags anyone on the lasso to marry, in addition, brides have 3 months to think. I didn’t like it, don’t suit each other in character, don’t like living conditions, lack of money, but you never know what other reasons. A woman always, or almost always, if desired, of course, can go back. Correctly? Correctly. So what's the deal? Women on the site often say: “We don’t believe in successful marriages with foreigners.” And it depends on what someone was looking for (I repeat). Sorry, I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s no secret to anyone that hundreds of Ukrainian women flee the country and are ready for any marriages of 18-year-olds with 80-year-olds, as long as they are not in poverty. I foresee cries of indignation from Ukrainian women in advance. Of course, there are many exceptions to the rule. But the fact remains. There are happy and successful marriages and not just a few. I have many girlfriends, we are all from the same city, and everyone is happy with the choice of husbands.
This, of course, does not mean that everyone lives without problems, like cheese in butter. Some have financial problems, some have ex-wives and children, some have lost their jobs... but everyone is loved and loved, and for the sake of their children, who finally live in full-fledged families. And they don’t marry local, in this case, “American” women, not because they are freaks or lazy people, but because American ladies are overly spoiled and without a big buck they will not be interested in you, no matter what kind of person you are. You just have to listen to your heart and be a little far-sighted. Sorry, I wanted to write a little, but it turned out well. Good luck everyone, love. It would be interesting to hear cries of indignation addressed to me. Zhanna.Jeanne (USA): Response to Nora's letter:
Hello again, dear Olya. I am writing about a letter from a desperate woman named Nora. I know how sad and scary it is to be alone with a child. Such women must definitely think that all the most cherished will surely come to them. But only when they don't expect it. It always happens that way. All love, health and success! JeanneTatyana: About the determination of young women for "lonely" motherhood.
Hello Olga! I have already visited you several times, but I decided to talk with your correspondents only now. And, probably, because the direction of the discussion of the issue of young women's determination to "single" motherhood was somewhat alarming. I will say right away that I have such an experience. And I made up my mind too. But I made up my mind knowing that this is my only chance to become a mother. I gave birth at 35, now the child is 5. And fortunately, now we live in the same family with his own father, who came to us 3 years after he offered to go for an abortion. By my age, I had already managed to make a good enough career not to rely on anyone. And this is the first thing that girls need to consider. Probably the second - you will have to learn to endure sidelong glances everywhere (in the maternity hospital ...), if you do not have the courage to openly admit that the child (like your husband) does not have a father. And then it will be very, very difficult, because only you yourself will hear the beating of your baby, only you will talk to him at night. It's hard, believe me. But the hardest thing is not to fall into despondency, despair. In addition, you must be prepared for the fact that by the age of 30, you already have an established life, with your own habits and tastes, which will now have to be completely reconsidered. Patience, patience, patience. But, everything is rewarded. And just try never to blame his father for anything, because it may happen that he will return, and then how to behave? But, anyway, the problem is not whether you decide, and how hard it will be for you. Problems will begin when the child begins to grow up, and it is really difficult for him without a father. Now, watching how my son and his father communicate, I think with horror that it could be otherwise. What could I deprive my son of being left alone. Girls, of course, a child is the greatest happiness. But deciding on his birth, you should evaluate, rather, not your own strength, but your readiness to create conditions for the child in which he would not feel disadvantaged in any way, so that no one would ever dare to call him "fatherless." Love to you and happiness. All the best. TatianaLarisa: Work with her husband.
Hello Olga! Like many others, I turn to you for advice as a very wise and experienced woman. The fact is that my husband has his own company. I founded it from scratch 8 years ago. Now more than 10 people work there. What can I say, commendable! When he first started, I offered him to work together, because I have an economic education. But there was no work experience, so he categorically refused me. After that, I learned English, got a job in a foreign company, then changed my job to a higher paid one with a higher position in terms of responsibility. In the last six months, my husband often began to ask me to go to work for him as his deputy with the main functions - personnel management. He suggested that much more success could be achieved in this firm. Since I often helped him in parallel with my work, it seemed to me that he was right. Of course, I was also interested in trying myself in a new business. As a result, I left my job, having lost in salary, but not unreasonably hoping to increase the efficiency of my husband's company, and thus still win in the family budget. She has only worked for three weeks so far. Something has already been established, the staff is now almost never late. The authority of the workers managed to win quickly, helped by previous work experience. The trouble is that the husband absolutely cannot stand criticism, in whatever form it is expressed. My view of the things that he left behind (purchases and sponsorship) does not interest him, even a timid statement is perceived "with hostility." Although I can see the entire economic result of the work (I myself have been summing up these results for a long time, at the request of my husband. Only the conclusions from the calculations we draw are different), but I cannot influence his decision. At the same time, there is no reason for me to sit and deal only with administration. I could do this before, and get more for it, while not having scandals in the family. Now, in fact, the question is: do you think it makes sense to stay working with him and have the hope that after some time he will still begin to listen to me, or return to his previous place of work? (At parting, they offered me if the family work did not work out). Please advise! If there are any ambiguities, I will be glad to answer questions. Your answer is very important to me. Thank you in advance!
Olga-WWWoman: Hello, Larisa! My opinion: Your husband wants to maintain his leadership in the company he created, and, of course, will resist your total influence on him in business matters. I think if it’s more tactful, only at home, carefully and at the right time, suggest something to him, he will definitely take note of it, perhaps, and most likely, without showing the appearance that he listened. And you will be engaged in your direct duties, simultaneously looking closely at cases and implementing security measures invisible to the eye. If you notice something that can harm - gently and unobtrusively speak to your husband, without fanaticism and diktat. I think it will work and help improve the work of the company. If he takes even your soft advice with hostility for a long time, then you can leave for your previous job (it will be hard for you to see how he is mistaken and does not listen to your tips), and occasionally appear at his company, checking his part of the work as a supervisor - only in terms of administration, even if another person is taken to your place. This will give you financial independence from your husband, which will positively affect your family relationships, because now you are completely dependent on your husband, his company and the financial condition of the latter, which cannot but strain you psychologically.
Olesya: Regarding Dmitry's letter "A quarrel with a beloved girl."
Hello dear Olga! I would like to respond to Dmitry's letter "Quarrel with my girlfriend". Dmitry! I read your letter and I have a clear picture of everything that happened. I can describe to you my vision of the situation as a girl. First, with regard to your relationship with Olga before the break. It is amazing that you simply behaved like a sissy: "dad gave money", "parents said that they should celebrate the new year", "there is no money for a postcard". What it is??? Even if we do not take into account betrayal, offensive SMS, etc., such a life position should already have alerted the girl. How do you not understand that it is important for us girls that we can rely on you, mind you, I don’t mean “sit on your neck”, but just feel that there is a person nearby who, even if not by much, will be stronger, more reliable than we ourselves. And you .... Excuse me, but this is called "rag!" How easy it is to piss you off, how easy you can change, is amazing. But that's not the point. Do you know what's important? In my opinion, you do not love Olga and never loved her. Believe me, love is not something when you urgently want to see a person next to you, to take possession of this person by any means ... No. It is only wounded pride that can manifest itself in this way. That's all. So calm down, relax. This will pass with time. And maybe if Olya feels at least something for you, it's even for the best if you calm down for a while and stop taking the initiative. In general, be stronger, Dmitry, girls don't like you very much... Good luck.ATTENTION!
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06 Mar 2018
Rovenna
Good afternoon! We've been dating for 5 years (I'm 30 now, he's 31). I live in my parents' apartment, he is with his and his sister (30 years old, divorced, has a child). I only go to him 2-3 times a week. He does not want to move to a rented apartment. For the first 1.5 years, everything was great, I hushed up the unpleasant moments (I adjusted to it to my detriment, buying food on trips strictly in half). Minor disagreements were resolved by negotiations, and he willingly made contact. And then I started talking about what was bothering me.
For example, I “I don’t like it when your sister always and everywhere goes with us. I miss you.” He “Don't like it, look for someone else. I want her to always be there." She reconciled herself, because she loved very much. I “Why don’t we have intimate relationships for 2-3 months?” He “You don’t attract me, you are too thin (47 kg at 166 cm) and your chest is small. Enough hysteria from scratch, we're fine." Then, for the first time, I packed my things and left. She returned a day later.
Then I asked to be warned about a change in plans, to take into account my desires, and not my sisters, when choosing a pastime. He replied that he did not owe me anything and would do what he wanted. Again I left. Then she asked for forgiveness. The next time (1 year ago) I packed my things when on March 8 he did not give me a gift, because “You, unlike others, did not deserve it. The day before, she spoke in the wrong tone. ” He apologized a day later, gave an amount equal to my gift on February 23. Then I resented him when he put me out in the downpour during an illness without an umbrella from the car to guard the place. He replied, “Don't be dramatic, I don't beat you. Others are really in trouble."
I decided to leave again, but since I was 29 years old, I returned, although he hung up, blocked my calls. At such moments as “Why should I marry such a hysterical woman”, “Earn yourself high maternity pay, I won’t be able to support you”, humiliation among friends, I tried not to pay attention in order to “not dramatize”. Even calm conversations do not lead to anything, either he freaks out or makes me guilty. And recently he said, “Your reproaches because of your sister got me, I got tired of leaving. You do not want to correct yourself, you always consider me bad, you are always dissatisfied with everything. I would be better off without you. I need a break to decide if we have a future." I know that I myself am to blame for his disrespect for me, for his inability to restrain his feelings (I never stoop to insults and humiliations either in jest or in hints). As for the rest, I try very hard: I don’t demand gifts, I don’t demand “going out”, I never limit his trips anywhere. At home (his) I do almost everything (for them). I don't call more than once a day. I often feel unhappy with him, but I don’t have the strength to finally break off relations + his words and relatives “You are no longer young” and “Others are much worse and nothing, they live” always return to him, and I want a family, children.
We need a look from the outside: is it worth it to maintain a relationship, and if so, how to respond to humiliation and neglect from a man so that he does not consider me a hysteric. How to talk about problems so that he does not perceive the conversation as a "brain removal"? I doubt I can find better.
06 Mar 2018
Hello. Are you asking if you want to keep this relationship? It is unlikely that a psychologist will make a choice for you or tell you what to do. We can try to sort out your feelings, etc.
And what do you think and feel about this? What do you think, when a guy issues an ultimatum, what is it for you? How do you see your relationship?
06 Mar 2018
Rovenna
I would like him to respect and love me, not devalue my feelings. He did not demand to change his idea of \u200b\u200brelationships and respond with a smile to humiliation and neglect.
06 Mar 2018
Unfortunately, you can't change a person, you can't force yourself to love. A person can only change if he wants to. I read from your message that he wants you to change yourself. It is important to understand here that when a person tries to subordinate the life of another to himself or his desires, he makes him a slave. At the same time, he remains indifferent to your feelings and to yourself. If he wants to change you, or for you to change, then what does he love about you? What is valuable and important to him next to you? What is important and valuable to you in these relationships? Why do you need them? What will happen if you continue this relationship? What happens if you decide to complete them? And then it’s up to you to decide how much you are ready to continue to be in such a relationship.
As long as you allow yourself to be treated with disdain, as long as you endure humiliation, he will treat you this way.
The toughest move ever. Although the manipulation of the ultimatum can be considered a stretch. Almost uncompromising coercion "on the forehead." Order.
The construction is very simple: “If you [do not] do this, then I will do this.”
"Either you propose or it's over between us"
What is the difference between blackmail and ultimatum? In politics and war, an ultimatum means time to think. In a relationship with a man, a woman most often does not give time for a reaction.
“Ultimatum (lat. ultimatum - brought to the end) is a requirement associated with limiting the time given for its implementation, as well as with the threat of serious consequences in case of non-fulfillment. An ultimatum is a demonstration of the unwillingness of any kind of negotiations.”
“Ultimatums are used primarily in politics and sometimes precede the declaration of war.”
Pay attention to the highlighted fragments.
First of all, an ultimatum is a clear refusal to further discussion: “You do this and that. Necessity, expediency, your desire, the ability to fulfill the required and the consequences are not discussed. In fact, this is an order.
Second, it's a threat. If a man refuses to comply with the requirement, punishment or some kind of hostile action will follow, his interests will be damaged.
Thirdly, this is essentially a declaration of HOSTILITY towards a man.
The very form of coercion of a man speaks for itself. Firstly, a woman does not respect such a man, she does not perceive him not only as a leader in a couple or family, but does not even consider him a person, a partner.
Secondly, any negotiations or conversations on this topic were terminated unilaterally. That is, the topic of discussion is closed, the issue is resolved. It is decided by a woman alone.
Most often, this ultimatum concerns the so-called. “serious relationships” - entering into an official marriage, living together, financing, children, moving, etc.
“If you go fishing for the weekend again, then I’ll go to my mother”
“I said that either you get married, or you won’t see a child, if you don’t want to officially recognize me as the child’s mother, I don’t want to officially recognize you as the father either !!!”
“Either the registry office - or provide me in full”
Although younger women, spoiled by the attention of young people, put ultimatums in minor issues of everyday life and communication.
“Put your fishing rod in the closet. Otherwise, I'll throw it out."
If the ultimatum is not used for the first time, then the essence of the threat may not be voiced: a well-trained man already knows that it will be bad. The demand of the woman and her menacing look are enough.
How do men react to women's ultimatums? And here the strangest thing begins. And unpleasant. According to my observations, men are not only “led”, i.e. fulfill the requirements of the ultimatum, but they also perceive the fact of the ultimatum quite calmly, as something normal, which, of course, is not and cannot be.
Let's remember Soviet films. (To be fair, it must be said that what has been said applies not only to Soviet film production)
Requirements or ultimatums from a man are presented as despotism, rudeness, cruelty. Conversely, women's ultimatums are most often taken for granted by male heroes with humility. Men are not at all embarrassed by the very fact of the ultimatum. And this is very sad.
A man's attitude towards an ultimatum is a matter of self-respect. If a man allows someone to dictate his terms, does he respect himself? And in this case, can he count on the part of other people, women?
Why ultimatum and blackmail must be stopped once and for all?
If a woman resorted to an ultimatum for the first time (for example, it happened out of foolishness or because of poor education), then a man simply must clearly tell her that he considers such a technique unacceptable and that he will not tolerate a repetition of this. The next attempt to talk to him from a position of dictatorship and blackmail is the door to the exit. Of course, there can be no question of any fulfillment of the conditions of the ultimatum.
Whatever the topic of the ultimatum, he - this is not a joke, not a whim, but a direct threat, a hostile action.
Remember: if a woman sees that the ultimatum has worked at least once, then there will be no end to it. This applies not only to this technique, but also to any other manipulation against a man.
If blackmail appeared in your relationship with a woman, then immediately adjust your plans for a woman, in no case consider her as a candidate for a “long-playing” relationship. A woman who uses blackmail against you is already initially unsuitable for a “friend of life”. After all a permanent woman, at a minimum, must be an ally of a man. And what kind of alliance can there be when an ultimatum is launched - the last point before a declaration of war?
Real life example:
Question on the forum.
“Comrades, a question. A woman in her 30s... Called and told me that I wasn't taking any serious steps, and so if I didn't make up my mind on something within an hour (serious relationship yup), she would go on a date with someone else. Sent her. And then it turns out that there is no one else, and that she tried to induce me to be serious. The question is, who is she after that? I'm starting to question her mental health."
“The very attempt to blackmail by leaving for another WMD says something like this:
1. You are nothing to me. I don’t respect you to such an extent that I give ultimatums and I’m almost sure that you will cave in and be the right alen - you will do what I want.
2. What I need is a “serious relationship”, and not you, not Vasya and not Petya as specific men and personalities.”
If her blackmail is successful at least once, and you “be led”, “bend”, then it is guaranteed to be used against you an infinite number of times. The blackmailer will not stop, and respect for you will very quickly fall "below the plinth", although in itself the use of this technique is already a manifestation of extreme disrespect for you.
Make it a rule: as soon as a harsh ultimatum is given, end long-term communication. Nothing good will come of this woman. And from the dissolute you are unlikely to get pleasure with her.
A hundred years ago, in a beauty salon, I read in Cosmopolitan that a man is like a dog - he needs to develop an unconditioned reflex - vacuumed - give a pie, stroke, reward with sex. I didn’t wash the dishes (I forgot about the anniversary) - take away the pie, don’t iron it, refuse the body. More or less like this. The simplest manipulations, but many use them and nothing, they live.
Ultimatum to a man
Whether it's good or bad, but many women learn such a scheme of communication with men and do not think of another. I want to talk about an ultimatum to a man. In a relationship, we put a lot of ultimatums (“if you don’t ..., then I ...”), which can be perceived in any way - from a game to a threat. In principle, an ultimatum as some kind of time frame for making a decision can be appropriate in normal relations - in fact, you outline your boundaries and designate your space, make demands and there is nothing wrong with that - I am against putting the stamp “manipulation” on everything and run from it like fire.
Ultimatum to a man
And I want to talk because one of my acquaintances recently faced an ultimatum. The history of relationships with a woman is quite long. A few years ago, they lived together for almost a year, but the woman left him, and quite harshly at that - she just packed her things and left without saying goodbye. The man took it as a betrayal and I agree with this assessment. But the years passed, and feelings for the woman remained, although he could not restore trust. And now the woman appeared on the horizon again and began to come - either for the weekend, or on vacation ... Again, we started talking about living together and getting married, that is, they returned to the situation that was before the last break. Both people are adults, each has several children. The woman has all the children grown up, and the man has two children living with him (in America this is a normal situation).
Either so or not
And so they agreed that she would finally move to him in August. But then she says that she has “circumstances” - she quarreled with a friend with whom she rented an apartment, something else and she wants to move before January 1. That is, literally on the eve of Thanksgiving, he gives him an ultimatum: either I move before January 1st, or never.
What difference does it make, she cries, January 1st or August? A person who is presented with an ultimatum in the form of a threat “if you do not agree to my conditions, then you will not see me again and you are to blame for breaking my life”, may be frightened (this is intended) and agree, or may refuse , especially since he has more serious reasons than problems with renting an apartment. The scene ended badly - with a female hysteria, a computer and a printer flew from the balcony, things from the closet (and everything happens in his house). The man feels humiliated in front of the children - both sons were at home and no one wants the children to be so traumatized and scared, right? After that, she got into the car, did not stay for Thanksgiving and drove away. The man remained spat on and now the wound is quite deep.
And what advice can I give? Probably, if you want to present an ultimatum to a man, you must at least calmly express your conditions, explain the reasons. I'm not talking about the fact that you need to think about how you will look if you start yelling and throwing a tantrum. Anyone will think that she does this before the wedding, but what will happen then? Then just throw garbage on your head? If you see that your conditions for the opposite side are not acceptable, and the explanations are reasonable, then you need to at least think about why this happens. Relationships should always be equal and respect is their prerequisite (
Ultimatums in the family: blackmail or benefit?
Have you ever been told a phrase similar to: “If you don’t do this, I will do this”? Or maybe you yourself pronounce such words?
In Woody Allen's Match Point, the protagonist kills his mistress because she gives him an ultimatum: "Either you leave your wife, or I will tell her about our relationship." He loves her, but he is so afraid of losing his high position in society, which he achieved thanks to his wife, that his nerves give out. Unable to endure the blackmail of his mistress, he kills her.
Despite the possible unfortunate consequences, the ultimatum is one of the favorite means of getting what you want.
“If you don’t stop hanging out with friends, I will file for divorce”, “Until you buy a fur coat, you can forget about sex”, “If you leave me, I will commit suicide”, “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you”, “If you don’t take out the trash, I’ll stop cooking” ... With the help of cute everyday blackmail, many people quite successfully solve their family problems.
But few people think about what long-term consequences the ultimatum has and how it affects relationships.
Who is the head in this house?
Marina and Zhenya have been dating for six months. One day, Zhenya was going to a friend's birthday party at a nightclub. Marina was angry that he was going without her, and stated that if he went, then their relationship was over.
When the beloved called the next day, the girl said that they were breaking up. Zhenya did not apologize and agreed with her. After a few days of separation, Marina could not stand it and called Zhenya.
Now he set the conditions for his return, and although the girl did not like them at all, she was forced to agree, because she did not want to lose her beloved at all.
If you give an ultimatum, keep in mind that it may not be understood in the way you expected. If your plans do not include a break in relations, you should not express your requests in the form of an ultimatum.
Another unfortunate consequence may be that if everything went wrong, and you decide to abandon your ultimatum, your partner stops taking your words seriously and begins to dictate their own terms for reconciliation, which can change the existing situation for the worse.
Be especially careful with sexual manipulation (“Until you buy a necklace, there will be no sex,” etc.). After all, the husband can answer that he gets sex without any conditions with his mistress.
Competition
Lena has long been tired of the fact that her husband meets with friends every Friday at the bar and comes home in the morning. Then she set a condition for her beloved: “If you don’t stop going to the bar, I will stop cooking and cleaning the apartment.” “Well, if you stop cooking and cleaning, I will eat in restaurants,” the husband replied and carried out his threat.
Now he came home late every day, and not just on Friday. Then Lena threatened her disobedient husband that if the rebellion did not stop, she would go to live with her mother.
The husband turned out to be a tough nut to crack and gladly agreed to his wife's proposal. Now they live separately, and pride does not allow Lena to return to her husband.
For every action there is a reaction. Remember that the answer to your ultimatum may be another ultimatum, and this, in turn, can destroy the relationship.
The stakes are rising
Tonya did not like that her husband smoked. He smoked everywhere and a lot. Once Tonya announced: "Either you quit smoking, or you will sleep in another room." The husband was not ready for such changes, so he began to fight the bad habit.
Tonya was delighted with such complaisance and decided to continue the educational process. Now the ultimatum has become an everyday lever for managing her husband. Just a little, Tonya put ultimatums, not bothering to clarify the situation and conduct a dialogue.
The girl could not get enough of her obedient husband, and therefore was shocked by the news that he had another woman. “You see, with her I feel like a real strong man, and with you - complete insignificance, as if they drove over me with a skating rink.”
When an ultimatum becomes a common form of relationship, you stop communicating and understanding each other. Tyranny is established in your family. Since an ultimatum is a typical manipulation, it turns out that the one who manipulates considers himself superior to the other person. The other side feels weak and dependent.
Everyone knows how their subjects treat tyrants: they want to get out of their oppression as soon as possible. Ways can be different: from revolution and open resistance to a quiet withdrawal to places where there is a more humane form of government.
The oppressed can also find the desired relaxation in casinos, alcohol and other ways of escaping from reality.
Secret desires
Anya had lived with Pasha for five years, but he was not going to marry her. Anya was angry and constantly threatened to leave Pasha. Their relationship got worse and worse, they fought all the time.
Once Anya could not stand it and said: “If you are not going to formalize our relationship, I will leave you!” To which Pasha replied: “I am very glad that you suggested this. I've been wanting to leave you for a long time."
The accumulated problems cannot be solved with an ultimatum. If the relationship has cracked, the partner can only be happy with such a formulation of the question, because he himself was afraid to take the first step.
What is an ultimatum?
People are constantly probing the boundaries of what is permitted in relation to their partners. Do it they 
can mutually, which can lead either to a clear definition of the boundaries of interaction, or to confrontation and rupture of relations. It all depends on how this "probing" is carried out.
If your favorite method of influencing a partner is an ultimatum, there are reasons for that. Here they are:
Thirst for power. If you are risking relationships for the sake of, in principle, not very important things, then most likely your only goal is to gain power over your loved one. It is important for you to know that he "obeys" you, that you are in control of the situation.
You were brought up in a family where all issues were resolved with the help of emotional blackmail, and therefore you are used to this particular form of getting what you want.
You do not know how to adequately express your negative feelings. You tend to keep emotions in yourself for a long time, and then suddenly give out a short summary in the form of an ultimatum.
This happens because you are afraid of conflicts and endure the situation until it finally "gets" you. As a result, it turns out that you have a lot of problems that you are trying to solve in one fell swoop.
Unfortunately, if you have not learned to discuss with your partner what is bothering you, what you want, no ultimatum will help. It turns out that you have not established trust and are trying to act through emotional blackmail, which in this case will most likely lead to a final break.
When you need an ultimatum
Sometimes there comes a point in a relationship when you need to issue an ultimatum or leave. But only when all means are exhausted.
Ultimatum helps in the following cases:
When you know exactly what you want, why you want it, and this is vital for you. For example, if you have been living with your partner for a long time and really want to start a family, but he is in no hurry to propose.
Or you dream of children, and he declares that he does not need it. Or you find out that your husband has a mistress, and he cannot make a choice between you.
In all cases, the choice may not be in your favor, but it will give you the opportunity to get out of uncertainty and start building a life anew.
When it comes to alcohol and drugs. Normal love relationships are possible only when a person recovers and frees himself from his harmful addiction.
As long as he is not free, he will not be able to give you what you need. Only an ultimatum can give him the opportunity to think.
Of course, in all cases there is a danger that you will not be called back, but if what you are asking for is really important to you, you will save your time by cutting off contact with a person who does not suit you or makes your life unbearable.
Advantages of an ultimatum
In all cases when important things are being decided for you that determine the quality of all your lives, leaving a hopeless partner may be the only possible option for several reasons:
You are freeing yourself from relationships so that they do not drag on for years and ruin your life.
Telling a man about the breakup gives you the freedom you need to find a new partner.
If he does not change his mind, you will leave useless expectations in time and begin to build a new life according to your values.
How to give an ultimatum
1. The ultimatum must be clear and clearly formulated.
2. The partner must clearly know why you are leaving, what you want, under what conditions you will return again.
3. Set specific deadlines for making a decision.
4. If the chosen one continues to think about your words, then carry out your threat.
5. Do not return until the requirement is met.
6. If you left a man, after which he agreed to fulfill your requirements, and you returned to him, be sure to achieve the promise. Don't let him think that he's got you back and can go back to his old commitment-free life.