Funny stories from people's lives. The funniest stories
The story takes place in a bank.
I'm standing at the counter, the teller draws up the paperwork. Nearby, the second teller draws up something for a man of 55-60 years old by proxy from his wife. The operator asks the date of birth of his wife, the man remembers only the year (indicated in the power of attorney). The operator caustically: "Call and ask."
I asked:
- How long have you been married?
- 36 years.
- But I'm only 8, and I still remember :-)
The man, smiling shyly and lamenting that his wife would be offended, calls and she tells him that March 15th. Not offended. The conflict over the phone, expected by all the slyly grinning witnesses of what was happening, did not take place. The topic was hushed up, the smiles on the faces of those present were gradually blown away and the mouths turned into ordinary Moscow "holes in the ass."
However, the most interesting thing happened about a minute later. The man's phone rang and it was his wife. It turns out that in that minute she opened her passport to check her date of birth and found out that she was born not on the 15th, but on the 20th of March!
Worked as a nurse. I entered the medical school at the age of 16, graduated at 19. I looked younger than my years. Let's just say it looked ugly. I worked in surgery, and due to lack of experience, I was first assigned to shave patients before operations. Day after day, men and women. And you see, every man is shy, refuses that he can do it himself. Our surgeon was strict. For a poorly shaved crotch, he could also deprive him of his prize.
So. Imagine. I am tired as a dog after the daily duty. Give, bring, shave, dressings, dressings. And before leaving: shave! There's an emergency in the hallway!
Weaving. A young man is sitting. I say:
- Let's go shave, young man!
And he answers:
- Yes, I do not need!
- Do you need surgery?
- Yes.
- Before the operation, everyone needs. I'm too tired to keep persuading you. Come on please. You have nothing new there for me.
- OK.
Well, I shaved it. I go out, and in the corridor another uncle is sitting:
- I'm waiting for a shave!
OK. Shaved this one too.
I'm going to the dressing room. Meet me one of the surgeons:
- Have you seen where my patient with panaritium has gone?
- No, what is it?
And then this young guy comes up and says:
- I'm with panaritium (felon, if you don't know, purulent inflammation under the nail).
- So why didn't you say that you have panaritium? - I am outraged. - Why do you shave?
- Well, you yourself said that everyone needs it!
The surgeon laughed like crazy.
Summer of distant 2011. I handed over the daily shift, changed clothes and went home.
At that time, as a young specialist, I dressed simply, adhering to a sporty style. Jeans, sneakers, a backpack, a sweatshirt with a hood formed the basis of my simple wardrobe. Circles under the eyes, the eyes themselves are red.
I go down to the subway and then the employees slow me down, then it’s like the police. Verification of documents. Hmm, apparently I got in, my passport is at home, there are no other documents with me. They ask you to open your bag. We asked for it ourselves, there are sneakers and a uniform in the wash. After the discovery of a shirt with the inscription "ambulance" all over the back, they became bored at once. One even remembered me and apologized. We took his partner with a heart attack from the workplace.
I concluded that it was time to change the style and look at myself in the mirror after the change.
The story happened to me two years ago.
I studied at school. The school year was ending, and it had to happen that in the last week of May, there were holidays on the occasion of the 250th anniversary of my great-great-grandfather (In our family, this holiday is celebrated every 10 years, because my grandfather was a very respected man, and now many historians study his life (don't make me go into details).
So, I live in Moscow, and the holiday was celebrated in St. Petersburg and I had to ask our class to take time off. It should be noted that we had a classy person with very modest mental capabilities, and everything came to her for a very long time.
I go to class.
Me: "Hello Olga Yu."
She: "Hello."
I: "Olga Yu. - could you let me go a week earlier, I finished the year well?"
She: "Actually for what reason?"
Me: "The fact is that I'm going to the 250th anniversary of my great-great-grandfather, and I have to go to St. Petersburg!"
Yes, perhaps not every family celebrates anniversaries (even the round dates of their long-dead relatives, but the response from my classroom shocked me.
She: "250 years! 250 years! How great, of course, go and tell your grandfather to live as much more ..."
An interesting story was told.
One emigrant, who came to Australia from Kazakhstan, got himself involved in fixing the faucet in the kitchen of some Australians he knew. For a bottle of forty degrees. Smirnoff. The most popular vodka in Australia.
I decided to help good people in a friendly way, so to speak. Fixed it. I immediately crushed the bottle with the owners, because, as I said, they were on friendly terms.
And after a while he received a summons - a summons to court. Good Australian friends rolled a slander on him - they say, he is engaged in illegal business activities, without registering a business, an independent plumber.
Struck to the core, he called them - and fell into an even greater precipitate.
Australian friends sincerely believed that they had done a good deed for him. After all, they thus directed him to the true path, that is, they taught him how to live according to Australian law.
Mdaaa ... for starters, an anecdote:
a call to the Ministry of Emergency Situations: “Hello, here the cops are fighting with the doctors, so I don’t even know who to call.”
Now almost in this anecdote and found himself.
I work as a watchman, there is a roar on the road and I go outside the building, turning on the outdoor lighting.
The village, there is no street lighting, although it is a federal highway. Someone got on the ZIL, not really bothering to pull over to the side of the road. A traffic police car drives into it on the move, an ambulance enters the traffic police - both with working beacons ... (along the way they were in a hurry where in a pair, we often have all sorts of bumps resting here).
Immediately thought - killed a pancake! Well, nothing, alive, whole.
The first question ran up: “Guys, do you need fire extinguishers!?”
Soooo, they all looked at me ... However, they also remembered that anecdote.
Once I got to a small grant gathering in Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk. According to the American organizers, each side of the joint Russian-American projects was to be represented by its leader, one from each country. But by some fatal coincidence, all American project managers were married to Russian coordinators of these same projects, and unanimously sent their wives instead of themselves to this remote point on the planet.
Looking at these representatives, I noted with sadness that life cynically puts everything on the shelves - all three wives were beautiful, but the most modest of them was married to Alaska, just a dazzling clever woman - to Seattle, but absolutely stunning - to San Francisco. I guess I thought about it so bitterly then, because my own beloved girl remained in Washington.
But life, in addition to naked cynicism, always retains a sense of humor - the most charming girl at this gathering was still from Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk and was not going to leave there anywhere ...
My friend's husband made her an unusual and beautiful surprise for the anniversary of their acquaintance: a parachute jump from an airplane. She was delighted, although at first she was frightened. The whole process was filmed on video - putting on a suit and ground briefing, flying to climb, the jump itself (in conjunction with an instructor), free flight, a safe landing on a green lawn in the arms of a loving spouse ... (10-minute video for memory included in the ticket price).
And now she proudly shows this film to her neighbors, also a young couple. Neighbor thoughtfully says:
- And we also have an anniversary coming up soon ...
Then he turns to his better half:
- Can I throw you off the train?
Today I heard at the clothing market how a clothing salesman passed on her knowledge to a young trainee.
P: - In general, listen to the most important thing. All the girls, as they say, without exception, are 42 sizes. If you believe their words, then all our clothes will be torn. So trust your eyes, and give them clothes in their sizes...
It was this summer in Kemer (Turkey).
The young man is pleasant in all respects, a great lover of women, let's call him Vitya, for the first time he reached for a scooter. After the next race, he is asked about his impressions, he replies that it is VERY cool.
- And how cool, how about a girl?
- What are you - for 10 bucks 10 minutes of complete buzz: WHAT GIRLS??!!!
My calling led me to work as a teacher in a school, but that's a different story... and not funny at all (though...)! 8O) I'm not talking about that...
There is a lesson, I am talking with a colleague in the corridor... A student from his class walks past with a class magazine.
He asks her:
- Faith! Is it quiet in your class?
It automatically:
- Yes! The teacher just yells!
I had to organize a staircase to the dacha for the porch. Well, I ordered it from an acquaintance of mine from the Energy Institute - he welded a ladder for me from metal corners. And since he did all this on the territory of the institute, the question of the day “how to drag THIS through the checkpoint” became an edge ...
But everything was solved simply and ingeniously! An acquaintance spioneril somewhere an export form and wrote there: “Calibrator for a substation - 1 pc.”.
It is worth noting that the staircase created by the genius of our energy looked really strange! Especially if she was on her side. It was almost impossible to guess the true purpose of the strange device.
So, we are dragging her to the checkpoint (and she is heavy, weighs 150 kilograms), we barely dragged her. A watchman is sitting at the checkpoint - an elderly man, who, having seen this miracle of technology, walked around and around for a long time and almost sniffed our creation. We have already begun to worry, they say, that's it, we slept, but the watchman, in the end, let us through safely. And if not for this watchman, then the story would have come to an end. But, thanks to the watchman, this story received an entertaining continuation!
In general, the watchman, having changed in the morning, took a friend with him and stomped to the nearest substation. There, having given a bribe to a hungover colleague with half a liter of “white”, our watchman asked to get a calibrator. The local watchman, swallowing his saliva, rushed off into the bowels of his farm and returned in half an hour with a meter-long iron ruler, in which holes of various sizes were drilled ...
exi3000
I am having the following conversation with my wife in the kitchen:
- Well, why did you bring this frozen monster?
- Firstly, it's not a monster, but a goose. Secondly, I have always dreamed of tasting a ruddy goose, straight from the oven.
- Hmm... you definitely think that I have nothing else to do... Hmm... I don't think the goose will fit into the oven, so, chop it into pieces?
Goose chopped into pieces (even if straight from the oven) somehow did not look quite appetizing.
- What if you cut off the legs? Then it will fit right in! - dawns on me.
At this moment, a three-year-old daughter flies into the kitchen. The child freezes in place, her eyes widen:
- Don't bother!
- Daughter, what is not necessary? - sincerely thinking that my daughter feels sorry for the frozen bird.
- Cut legs! (and already with a sob) I want to jump, like this,
jump jump...
My wife and I are just hysterical. We vied with each other trying to explain to the child that they meant the goose, and in no case her darling. She seemed to believe it, but all the same, she looked sullenly.
We sit with an international company, drink tea with cookies. It was about national hospitality. Kazakh woman says:
- Once a week, my father calls guests. Man 5. But mom gets meat for beshbarmak, as if they called 50. You roll the dough, cook besh, fry baursaks. Here come the guests. And after them remains a mountain of besha. On the first day, eat besh for breakfast, lunch and dinner. On the second day, you distribute part of it to your relatives and neighbors and eat fried besh for breakfast, lunch and dinner. On the third day, mom cooks a besh casserole in the oven. On the fourth day, you look, he cooks pies, the whole family rejoices, and they are filled with besh. On the fifth, the whole family, led by dad, belittles mom to cook anything, just don’t besh. On the sixth day, oh happiness, my mother cooked buckwheat. On the seventh day, dad calls the guests.
Everyone laughed. And here is an Uzbek:
- Damn, we have the same thing only with pilaf!
My fiancé is a foreigner. He is an interesting man and a wonderful person, but when I introduced him to my relatives, friends or random acquaintances, everyone grinned, laughed or snorted. The fact is that his name is Alphonse.
I always screamed that children are the most disgusting creatures on earth and that I would even want to deprive myself of the opportunity to get pregnant in order to have fun to the fullest. Recently I visited doctors in a comprehensive manner and as a result they announced to me: “you have infertility”. Almost passed out from this news. Never become a full-fledged woman, never see your facial features in a child, and what kind of man needs such a thing? So, cleanly get laid a couple of times.
She lived for some time in Irkutsk. Most of the construction workers here are Chinese. So, one day my husband tells me that at work they have a man became the happy owner of a new apartment. But the joy was not long. In the midst of repairs in the wall, he found a Chinese! In order not to spend money on burial, the bodies are walled up in the wall! The developer promised a lot of things to the peasant, if only the story did not get publicity ...
I was about 15 years old. My friends and I were walking to the lake, walking far and through a small forest, in which there was an abandoned bomb shelter. The villagers made a dump out of it. We pass by and see a large rolled carpet. Someone joked that the bandits shook someone up. We passed by, and behind us were our friends who were supposed to meet on the lake. We swam - they are all gone. Let's go home and look in the same place the police and those friends. It turned out that there was a corpse in the carpet, and they unwound it. Friend still stutters
During the Second World War, my great-grandmother was 12 years old. Four younger brothers and sisters and a father. We lived in the village, we were terribly hungry in the winter, we had hardly eaten anything for several days when dad sent my great-grandmother for water to the well. A truck drove through the village and from a bag fell out of him. Flour scattered on the snow! Grandma took full buckets of flour, baked cakes on the water at home. Thanks to two buckets of flour, they all survived that winter, thanks to this flour, 8 great-grandchildren now live and delight the grandmother)
My eye was swollen on Sunday and it hurt, I went to a paid clinic (the regional one is closed on Sundays). They prescribed 5 drops of dear ones (three brands of which were hung on billboards right in the office), diagnosed with inflammation of the gland in the lower eyelid. On Monday I decided to go to the district, just in case. Oh, and the doctor whinnied for a long time))) no, he says, glands in the lower eyelid! Squeezed out a pimple for me and let it go)))) I didn’t buy a drop)))
I work in a pharmacy. When girls and women come to me to buy a pregnancy test, I sincerely wish them good luck. I hope that this luck will help them and those who want children will receive a positive answer, and vice versa, those who do not want will receive a negative one.
Second week on the diet. In the evening we sit in the kitchen with my husband. I make my daughter a sandwich with the freshest loaf. In my face it is clearly visible that I also want a piece. Suddenly, the lights go out and the husband’s conspiratorial voice: “Let’s eat while no one sees…”
As a child, I recorded songs from DuckTales and other Disney cartoons on a tape recorder (at that time they were shown only on Sundays), then, on any other day, I put the tape recorder on the window and turned it on ... I watched all the children run home in bewilderment ...
Seeing here the secrets about dating in the subway (when the guy left his gadget to the young lady, and then called back), he decided to take a chance. The moment of truth has come, pushing through between the passengers, I see a nymph sitting with a book in her hands, which struck my imagination. I make up my mind, put the phone in her lap and run away. Later I send him an SMS with the place and time of the meeting, for which I receive consent. Inspired, I fly there and see .... a hefty kingpin with my phone in his hands. Turned out it was my husband. I missed the ring, idiot.
My mother always told me as a child that she was allergic to cats: like a runny nose, sneezing. And recently she admitted that she simply doesn’t like them - they stink, they tear everything up ... While studying at the university on vacation, she brought a cat home. She snorted and turned her nose up at him. Somehow she entered the room, and she hugged him, saying: “what a sweetie you are, the smartest cat, now I’m going to the store, I’ll buy something tasty for you.” Cats have a superpower - not to leave anyone indifferent) I could not take mine)
I'm sitting in the car with my friends, it's already night. And then I hear - piercing female cries near the house nearby. I drive up there - and there is a picture - a crowd of guys drags out a guy and a girl, the guy is pushed into the trunk, and the girl, kneeling, is holding one by the hair. It turned out her boyfriend caught her with her lover, called friends to do justice. While my friends were distracting those guys, I put the girl in the car and took her to her parents. Called the police. That's what "love" is.
I didn't have parents. Raised by one grandmother. Now my grandmother is already old and weak. I live separately, albeit nearby. I make excellent money: I hired a nurse, a cleaner: my grandmother doesn’t have to do anything, everything is done for her. I spend half of my salary on this, I work like a damn day and night. As she did at the time. But my grandmother takes out her brain every day and wants me to personally wash things for her (sometimes by hand), wash pots, etc. Calls you an ungrateful egoist.
I had a neighbor. Amazing soul woman. For lack of a garden, she grew tomatoes and herbs on the balcony. And then pigeons got into the habit of flying to her balcony. Drink water. Pair. He and she. He is variegated. She is white. The neighbor started feeding them. But the pigeons were painfully shy. A neighbor has cancer. The last time she went out on the balcony to feed the pigeons. They flew almost into her hands and smoked with her for a long time. She was gone a day later. And the pigeons didn't fly anymore...
I was a baby, I already walked. Mom loved to sew on a typewriter. I was terribly interested, but, for some reason, did not show this very interest in front of my mother. And now, mom is busy in the kitchen, the sewing machine is open ... Such a huge temptation! village. She turned her head around her mother's fabric, future dresses. It will. You can't touch. But I really want to sew! Didn't find anything better than my little finger. I just put it under the needle and stitched it. I couldn’t pull it out, so I sat silently until my mother found me in this form.
My girlfriend is plump, weighs 130 kg, and so she decided to lose weight by going on a diet, after a month of hunger strike, I began to notice gnawed bread in the morning, my beloved denied that it was she who patted him like that. One night I couldn’t sleep for a long time, and I saw my butterfly got up with her eyes closed and went to the kitchen, I followed her, and I couldn’t believe my eyes, she stood with her eyes closed and greedily ate bread. This is what diets lead to, even to sleepwalking.
In the 8th grade, I went with a teacher to a conference in another city, I was worried, before boarding the bus she said: “you have the second place”, I was delighted, I think the winners have already been determined, you just need to read the report well. On the bus, she showed me where to sit. At the conference, I took first place, for two months I thought that the jury had changed their minds after the report, and then I guessed that second place was the seat number on the bus.
The last 4 years of school, I studied in England, but went to university in Russia. We had a huge school with a Campus and kids from all over the world. They interfered with us so much that we did not live with relatives. In addition to English, we were obliged to learn first another language, then a third. I, not understanding how much money this education costs, like a typical schoolboy, decided to cheat and chose Russian, especially since the teacher was an Englishman. How I laughed when I entered the classroom for the first lesson and found that all 40 people in the class were Russians.
Yesterday I came home very tired from work. Forcefully cooked food. The guy came home from work. I talked for a couple of minutes and lay down on the sofa - I passed out immediately. And then he lay down next to me and tries to wake me up, says we need to talk about life, about our future. Do you want to be my wife? Will you marry me? I hear all this through a dream, but I can’t wake up - well, I’m very tired. So I overslept while they made me an offer .... Today he is silent, does not call for marriage ...
I woke up this morning and my husband was gone. He leaves for work very early. (I'm on maternity leave) Well, that's it. I went into the kitchen: the plates were washed, neatly placed on the shelf, the table was cleared, the floor was washed, there was a bouquet of flowers on the table. Next to the bouquet is a note and a lid made of yogurt foil. There was still some yogurt left on the lid. And the note read: “I know you love this! I am kissing you, bye!" Here is a person who really knows me, appreciates and loves me.
Today I was sleeping on the subway. I decided to test the theory - you yawn, and then you look who also started to yawn and you determine that this person was looking at you. I start my tricky business and see that the guy is looking at me. Such a cute, starts to yawn and smiles. Sat closer, we started talking, and I talked about the theory of “yawn”. And he told me that it was on this theory that he did it on purpose. To get my attention) I think it's love at first yawn 😉
I have a biker friend. This is all on the brutal. Ponytail, beard, solid belly, covered in spikes and tattoos on a cool black bike. But the voice failed. Instead of a brutal baritone, there is a thin, squeaky humming. The man suffers terribly from this. He tried everything - and smoked, and drank, if only his voice became a little more severe. As a result, he somehow went out of town to a deserted area and began to yell there with all his strength to break his voice. But in the end, he achieved only hoarseness like that of Winnie the Pooh.
My friend has a big dick. I saw his current in a “non-working” state in the steam room, I told him “well, you have a good day! :D” and he “don’t be jealous, I meet girls once because of this. Well, a couple of days ago we summoned Mamzels to the sauna, we drink beer. They retired to separate apartments, and I finished my drink and chatted about life. When I was about to go to work on my site, a friend’s lady runs out of the door: “NO, I’m sorry, but I’m not a black hole!” I didn’t even take the money 😀 no, he’s not a black man.
We are a family of Jews. The philosophy of our people was best understood by my older brother. He is very economical. Just a curmudgeon. And he is also very handsome and the girls from the institute always followed him. But he turned them all off. Recently, in a store at the checkout, they stood in line because some girl was counting on a calculator whether the potatoes were weighed correctly for her. Found a mistake and threw a scandal. When they left the store, he ran to meet her. Love at first penny
As a child, I was in love with Aramis from the Three Musketeers. My mother and I ran from the kindergarten in order to be in time for the next show. I dressed up, my mother combed my hair, put me on a chair in front of the TV, and so I sat the whole film, barely breathing. I thought he saw me. I also waited for him to come for me on a horse and often looked out the window, afraid to miss it.
Yesterday I cooked borscht. I spent an hour and a half, all according to tradition - with meat, with fresh cabbage. When the borscht was almost ready and I opened it to stir it, a ROARAKAN jumped from the ceiling directly into the pan. I'm almost in tears, all the work down the drain. Then I thought and thought and decided to catch the cockroach and not tell anyone anything. Husband and mother-in-law gobbled up both cheeks, and I am “on a diet”. A little dumb, but it was not to pour out the finished dish because of one cockroach!
We had a fight with my wife because she said, like her mom cooks better than me. And I packed my things and went to my mother. And now I realize the ridiculousness of the situation. I'm going back.
I’m going to the subway, suddenly a man enters the car, well, just a copy of Lucius Malfoy. I don't usually do this, but this time I really wanted to take a picture of him. Like a ninja on a mission - I foresaw everything, made my way closer to him, took a convenient angle, turned off the sound of the camera, quietly pointed the phone at him so that it looked like I was reading something in it, clicked on "photo" .. in general, I provided for everything except the fucking FLASH...
There was an awkward feeling when the maid hired by the husband arrived on the first working day in a car that is 2 times more expensive than yours ...
I studied in Germany for an exchange semester. I returned, and my mother is still trying to find out if I managed to find a job or start a relationship, roughly speaking, “catch on”. I refuse. She says that in Russia now, in a crisis, there is nothing to do, that she wishes me a better life abroad ... But I understand that she simply does not want to share an apartment with me, and that if I were not the owner of half, my things would now lie in the garbage.
Hare Brezhnev
I remembered another story. Listen. Few people know that Brezhnev loved hunting hares. And he liked to shoot right from the porch of his state dacha. But he himself did not know that the huntsmen grow these same hares in a specially fenced area with special food (so that the skin shines and all that). And everything was fine, until one day one drunken huntsman went up to the wind and leaned against the fence, which you take, and fell down with him.
Hares, of course, in alluvial. And today, as if for evil, some kind of festive feast, after which, of course, the hare will be simply necessary. And where can I get it? For a long time everyone puzzled, until the cook's eyes fell on a fat cat poking around in a trash can. Without thinking twice, he tore off the skin from the stuffed hare, sewed the cat inside and the hare was ready.
The feast went well, and then the moment came when L.I. went out with a gun to the balcony. Shot. The hare flew up a tree in 2 jumps. Mmm-yes, either I really wanted to live, or the last glass was superfluous. With such thoughts, L.I. went back to the table.
Opens the door and freaks out! "Hare" sits on the table and EATS JELLY!!! In general, when everything turned out, everyone laughed together and no one was hurt.
Chicken
A friend told. But first you need to explain: - Spanish is easy to learn, but the words must be memorized well, because. If you confuse at least one letter, the whole meaning changes. And here is the story itself:
I, she says, had just arrived in Spain to visit my sister. About a week later, my sister asks me to go to the store and buy a whole chicken for dinner. Damn, I think I learned one and a half words during this time. Well, being afraid to open your mouth all the time is also not an option.
And all you need to say is: - me una polla entera por favor. (me una poya enterera, por favor).
Seems easy. Went. I go to the supermarket, in the meat department there is a small queue. I turn to the seller: - me un poyo, por favor. Entera.
The wild laughter of the Spaniards left no shadow of a doubt that I blurted out some kind of stupidity. So it was. Having changed just one letter in the word pollo, I literally said the following: - “I have a DEC, please. Whole."
Children and meatballs
My mom told. One of her friends had to go away, leaving two children at home, the eldest was five years old. She put the saucepan with the cutlets on the stove, so that when she came, she immediately warmed it up. She put a pot under the table, explained to the children that it was under the table in the kitchen, and left. The children played, then they wanted to eat, climbed onto the stove, found cutlets and ate. For some reason, the children put the saucepan under the table.
When they were impatient in a big way, they climbed under the table and, without hesitation, pulled out the first thing they came across - this very saucepan. As luck would have it, both the saucepan and the pot were green and nearly the same size. The children did not notice the difference and did their business in a saucepan. Both vessels were covered with a lid. Then one of them, without any intention, put it on the stove ...
Mom returned home, quickly turned on the stove and began to clean up the housework ...
A strange smell floated through the apartment. She looked into the toilet - everything is in order. I opened the window - the smell did not disappear, but, on the contrary, intensified. She opened the door indignantly, but there was no smell in the stairwell ... She began to knock on the neighbors. Soon the neighbors had already gathered around her apartment... When the source was found, everyone was crying...
ram's horn
Some boys beat me up at school. With a broken knee, disheveled hair and a bruised arm, I crawled home. I went into the house, and how delighted I was when I saw Uncle Vitya at the table drinking tea with my mother, my uncle, my mother's brother, who lives in another city.
We chatted a little, and my mother promised that Uncle Vitya, being a military man at the present time, and at school a hooligan, like our Afonin, who did not give me peace, would go to school and hang ... with this Afonin. But my uncle told me:
That's what, Yulka, of course I won't let you get hurt, but you also have to stand up for yourself.
Look (he clenched his hand into a fist) on that hand that is stronger, you clench your fist. That there is strength, and you put your middle finger forward a little. This technique is called "ram's horn".
Remember? And now with all the dope you hit this finger in the eye. Let's. Hit here (shows me his eye). Well? Well, what are you standing? Come on... well... in the eye right here. Don't be afraid.
And what do you think? That's right, with all my urine, with a bruised hand, I charged the uncle in the eye, as he asked. Flushed, Uncle Vitya grabbed his eye, which soon appeared a lantern, and quietly answered me:
YES NOT IN MY EYE, FOOL. You will hit your Afonin tomorrow ...
Public transport jokes
Hello everybody! More than half of the population travel by public transport, often all the fun happens there! People are driving not yet awake, giving out all sorts of replicas at random. I've already started recording all these jokes:
1) November 28, 2012 - about 8:30 in the morning, trolley bus, flea market, but not yet a crush. A man (M) is sitting on one seat, and next to him he put a box of eggs, a box of 50 pieces. The indignant conductor (K), that there are no places anyway, and he still occupies these eggs, each time passing by him, said: - Man remove the eggs, this went on for 4 stops.
Once again, climbing through the crowd, indignant to the limit, she pulls him by the shoulder and annoyed: - Man, will you remove your eggs or not??!!! A completely different man turns around (he has already left like a couple of stops back) and says: - What about me? More than others??!!! The whole trolleybus lay.
2) December 5, 2012 - about the same time, trolleybus, we are all pressed to each other so tightly that it is already intimate))))))))). Out of the corner of my eye I observe, a tall guy is partially pressed against him by a girl (about 20 years old) and a grandmother, at first the guy somehow peacefully rolled his eyes, after which the girl exclaimed unexpectedly: - PERVERT!
Guy: - GENERALLY SOMEONE IS stroking my eggs.
Granny: - THIS IS NOT ME, DO NOT LOOK LIKE THIS!
And from somewhere in the crowd: - I HAVE A DOG SOMEWHERE BETWEEN YOU STARTED!
There is no adult in the world who has not experienced funny stories at least a few times in his life. It could be unforgettable story about a first kiss, a trip to a school camp, or a story about a memorable football game; the main thing is that the story is flooded with humor and experiences of the hero. After all, when we read stories from people's lives, especially funny ones, we understand that we could be in the place of the hero. And we are very glad that we never ended up there, because you can laugh a lot at the failures of the protagonist.
Real stories
Read real stories that took place at some period in people's lives is much more interesting than reading funny jokes. Of course, a joke can sometimes cause contagious laughter, but it is a funny online story that can make you laugh for several hours, or even days.
I remember once reading a story from the life of a guy who was haunted by constant failures when he met with one girl, and for hours he could not calm down from laughter. I imagined the events he described, and laughter reappeared in my chest and could not subside for a long time. I even decided to download the guy's story so that I could re-read it later or show it to my friends.
Horror stories
In a special category should be included horror stories, told or described by real people, because in them the degree of empathy reaches the limit. Separately, one should consider mystical stories with humor, since in them a person behaves completely unpredictably, and the reader can only laugh until he has stomach cramps.
Stories about otherworldly forces, ghosts and similar creatures are the funniest of the words of the narrator, since it was he who was destined to survive those events on that ill-fated day.
Of course, some may wonder how scary stories can make a reader laugh. Naturally, if you read the story without a funny joke at the end, there is no way she can do it. However, as experience shows, free stories about ghosts end with a cheerful denouement, where an enterprising friend or just a fluttering fabric on a high-rise tree acted as a ghost. He himself personally dressed in a white sheet with painted eyes and frightened a neighbor from the ground floor in the evenings.
Best Stories
The collection of our site contains the best stories. Which story from the life of users will seem the most fun - to decide, of course, the reader. You may want to constantly browse stories for free online on our site, as this is where the best humor on the web lies. Check it out by visiting our many sections, including free text messages and funny poems.
Laughter decorates our life and makes it brighter and more interesting. Laugh, rejoice, in real life, let there be more unrealistically funny. Let's "very" laugh together!
“About how a child helped mom lose weight”
Someone inadvertently hinted to Zhanna that it was time for her to lose ten kilograms. The woman came upset, sad, crying. Without explaining anything to her family, she closed herself in the kitchen and began to prepare her favorite chocolate donuts to calm her sadness. She always did that when she was in trouble.
Three hours have passed. Zhanna Eduardovna never left the kitchen. The husband and four-year-old son, seriously worried about the fate of the woman, nevertheless decided to approach her. The mother-wife slowly ate the burnt doughnuts. Next to her lay a piece of paper on which the following was written in large letters: “I want to force myself not to eat anything in order to lose weight!”. The boy, having clarified with his father what was written, went to his room and did not listen to adult conversations.
The next day, the mother of the family returned from work just as sad. Remembering that she needed to cook something for dinner, she went to the refrigerator. Suddenly, four-year-old Vitalik ran in, unplugged the refrigerator and ran away.
Why did you do this? Jeanne asked in surprise.
- So that the food goes bad, and you change your mind about eating it! - the son proudly answered his mother.
Just think about it! The kid turned out to be smarter than thousands of adult ladies who did not know that their overweight problem was solved so easily!
Loneliness is a bad habit
A lonely woman was awakened by a persistent ringing at the door. She slowly went to open it, albeit with great reluctance.
- Who's at the door? she asked in a sleepy voice.
— Plumbers, mistress! Batteries came to feel!
The woman did not like the answer at all. She hoped that they would grope her! After all, she lacked male warmth! The woman grabbed a cigarette, a lighter, went to the door peephole and shouted loudly:
- Feel your batteries! I will take care of mine!
Short funny stories
"Passenger from a fairy tale"
It was evening. There was a girl on the train, diligently solving crossword puzzles. A man sat next to her and watched her intently. Noticing that the fellow traveler's gaze was stuck on one of the questions, he politely asked:
Girl, can I help you with something?
- What is the name of what helped Baba Yaga drive a vehicle? The girl answered a question with a question.
- Pomelo! The man replied without hesitation.
The girl looked at her “tip” in surprise and after three minutes asked:
— How do you know?
I am a close relative of this grandmother! I know a lot about her!
Passengers who heard this phrase rolled with laughter. Each of them, most likely, presented himself as some kind of fairy-tale hero.
It's all the men's fault!
A husband and wife are walking through a hypermarket. The wife tells something inspired, and the husband does not pay any attention to her at all. The woman was hurt. She asked her faithful to appreciate her trick: she chose an empty place, accelerated, made a spectacular jump .... And it turned out to be bombarded with various goods. People began to run up, take pictures of the "acrobat", applaud her. And she, pushing in different directions everything that had fallen on her, tried to find a broken nail with rhinestones. Thus ended the unsuccessful jump over the shopping cart. It would be necessary to put a traffic controller in the middle of the trading floor! It will not be superfluous in stores either!
Real funny life stories
"Revenge of the Alarm Clock"
The woman returned from work three hours later than usual. Her only dream was to have a good sleep. She undressed, took off her pants (along with tights) and randomly placed them on the bottom shelf of the closet. Sveta took a shower and lay down in a cozy bed, breaking the tradition of tea drinking.
Morning came incredibly quickly, completely obeying the law of meanness. The tired woman, who for a few seconds hated the alarm clock, abruptly threw it at the next wall of the room. An inner voice made her get up and go to the bath. While getting ready, she decided to put on yesterday's trousers. The woman did not find the old tights, so she took out others so as not to waste time looking for things.
Svetlana put on her pants, not noticing at all that they were wearing the second pantyhose, drank coffee and ran to work. Luckily, she wasn't too late. And the day would have passed wonderfully, if not for one circumstance .... Yesterday's tights quietly got out of the trousers and began to "sweep" the floor, collecting papers and all sorts of rubbish. Colleagues saw this, but kept silent so as not to offend the employee. Ten minutes later, one of the colleagues gave out a ringing laugh. Light turned around. The colleague, continuing to laugh, approached Svetlana, picked up the “pantyhose train” from the floor and said with a smile: “You dropped it.” Now Svetlana does not wear these tights. She sewed a funny doll out of them, which every morning reminds her that the alarm clock must be treated with respect.
Funny Banana Wisdom
Two students collided in the corridor of the hostel. An interesting conversation began:
What were you frying in the kitchen yesterday? one of them asked, looking curiously into the eyes of the other.
— Bananas! – happily answered the second.
Is there any point in frying them if they are already delicious?
“Tell me honestly: I look so much like a monkey that I have to eat my favorite treat raw?!
About how the switch became an enemy
The newlyweds lay down in a luxurious bed and covered themselves with a large silk blanket.
- I love you so much, my dear .... - the newly-made wife gently whispered.
- And I you. Light….
- What kind of Light am I to you? Olga shouted in frustration and hit her husband painfully on the cheek.
So, on the wedding night, a real marital misunderstanding was born .... The man only asked to turn off the light, which treacherously blinded them.