Ultimatums in relationships are a fairly common problem. Have you ever said, “If you don’t do this and that, then I…”? Everyone has experienced similar situations, because ultimatums are the most common way to get what you want.

But, do not forget that such a statement of the question looks like ordinary blackmail, which in turn can adversely affect relationships.

Most often, lovely ladies blackmail their young people with threats that they will leave them. Remember that after the third or fourth such statement, your partner may nod and say that he will leave, and in all seriousness. He no longer takes your threats seriously, but he will try to teach a lesson for such ultimatums.

Unless you're really ready to end the relationship (or unless there's something really serious on the scale), never threaten to leave! In the end, when you say that you really want to be together, then after this, it is quite logical that an ultimatum will also follow from your partner, and you will already be forced to accept his conditions.

Remember, the most effective response to blackmail is backhanding conditions. You threatened your partner with the lack of delicious food and a clean house if he doesn’t stop, for example, communicating with the company that irritates you - you can get a statement in response that he can eat in a nearby cafe, and the mess in his apartment doesn’t really bother him .

If you threaten that you will go to your mother, or to a friend, they may not try to return you, waiting for you to change your mind and call. Each action has its own counteraction, according to the laws of physics, and building relationships on a heap of ultimatums from both sides is a dubious pleasure.

Ultimatums should only be used if you really intend to carry out the threat, and if marital happiness is at stake. An ultimatum is justified if your spouse shows excessive love for alcohol and this already looks like an addiction. An ultimatum is justified if a person unconsciously harms himself - for example, exhausts himself at work with excessive workaholism, or vice versa, constantly idles. But, nevertheless, it is always better to go to the dialogue, find out the reasons and help to survive the problems than to use manipulation.

If everyday blackmail enters a permanent phase, then the suffering party begins to experience complexes, to feel petty and insignificant. This can result in two different situations - either a person who is fed up with ultimatums will break loose and make a scandal, or simply quietly find a person who will not build relationships on blackmail and will not try to manipulate him.

If your relationship is in discord, it is simply stupid to threaten a breakup and lack of sex - your partner can grab onto your words like a straw, and you really will part, and you yourself will be the guilty party in the breakup.

Why do people give ultimatums?

If a person resorts to blackmail at the everyday level, then there are reasons for this, having learned which, it is easier to understand how to deal with such a manifestation. With their endless ultimatums, they "probe" their pair for strength. As a rule, they do not get along for a long time with people who are able to give them a worthy rebuff and ignore everyday blackmail.

Many problems come from childhood, and if a child observes ultimatum behavior in the family, he simply follows the pattern that he was given at an unconscious age. The same problem is with people who do not know how to show negative feelings in time - they accumulate irritation with the bad habits of their passion for a long time, after which they burst into scandals with the indispensable overtones “either you do everything right, or I leave.”

If, nevertheless, a situation arose when an ultimatum is necessary, then when putting it up, you must clearly adhere to certain rules:

- always know what you really want and in what terms.

- Consider whether all other solutions to the problem have been used.

- you must clearly formulate your wish and limit the time frame for its implementation.

- do not use those threats that you cannot fulfill.

Remember, any ultimatum put forward by you can be decided not in your favor. Consider in advance what you are risking with this outcome.

But, on the other hand, if you make demands, such as quitting alcohol or drugs, for example, and the partner made a decision not in your favor, you should not be upset. Perhaps this relationship is simply not for you, and it was better to decide everything in advance and put it in its place.

I got pregnant from a guy with whom we have been together for a year, he got scared and said that it was too early (we are 19 years old)
He made a choice: either I leave the child but I never see him again, or I kill him, but then a little later we will have a family and everything will be fine and the children will only be at the project age. I am completely at a loss because I love this person, but in At the same time, I can't even imagine the thought of killing a child. What if he deceives me to avoid this and specifically speaks so beautifully? What if I leave the child as I will be alone? And many questions of this plan torment me very much ... I really ask for help because this is a difficult choice ... guy does not want a child because he is not yet ready to become a dad and says that it is too early but he does not want to lose me, everything is so confusing... please help!!!

Anastasia, good afternoon! Listen to your heart, it will tell you. Weigh everything who is dearer to you, the unborn child or his father. Very often, men change their minds, there are some transformations in their minds, and they accept the child. And it happens the other way around, they say they are ready, and then they leave. A different scenario is possible.

I know many women who have made the decision to give birth, the baby is born, and then they never regret the decision, although at the beginning of the journey they had doubts.

If you need professional support, come for a consultation in person or via Skype!

Good luck to you!

Dovgopol Natalia, psychologist in Moscow. Consultations in person and via Skype

Good answer 4 Bad answer 0

Anastasia, hello!

To make a decision, you need to determine your strengths and life meanings that will help you, in spite of all further situations in life, rely only on yourself, and not on others. After that, you will understand whether you can raise a child on your own in any scenario, earn money on your own, educate yourself too, and drive to kindergarten on your own. Without shifting responsibility for life onto your child, for example, a failed father-husband, parents ... Will it be feasible for you?

If you have any hopes for a guy, then they may not come true. We do not know what is in his head and how he will act in a couple of months or years.

Therefore, make a decision for yourself, about yourself, about your personal prospects. Maybe now you do not have enough education to raise a child, to feed and clothe him ... Maybe something else is stopping you from making a decision. Then take care of your education so that there is a profession and money. In this situation, rely on yourself, on your own strength. Everything will work out then.

If you need support and help to make a decision, please contact us. Ok, skype.

Konopleva Natalya Vitalievna, Moscow, face-to-face and skype consultations.

Anastasia

or I kill him, but then a little later we will have a family and VK will be fine and the children will only be in the project age

What only young people are not ready to promise - just to get rid of the problem in the form of a "pregnant girlfriend" ...

Anastasia

the guy does not want a child because he is not yet ready to become a dad

In any case, he clearly indicates that he is not ready for this child. But - are you ready (in which case) to raise a child alone? (maybe everything will be fine)

Sorry to be so direct - but - sometimes being aware of the real state of affairs can help you make the right decision.

Anastasia, hello!

The situation is very difficult, and the choice of a solution is of great importance as your destiny develops further. Therefore, the most optimal would be if you come to a face-to-face meeting. Too many important issues to discuss. But one thing is for sure, pregnancy, even unplanned, accidental, is the responsibility of two. And your guy relieves himself of responsibility, he is not ready to take the position of an adult, mature person, he acts solely for the sake of his desires and fears. Which of course characterizes him as not ready for family life. Come, let's twist this situation from all sides, and then the solution will come to you.

Karina Matveeva, psychoanalytic psychotherapist

Matveeva Karine Vilievna, psychologist in Moscow

Good answer 2 Bad answer 1

Hello Anastasia.

I understand your feelings and confusion. It's not easy for you now. True, sometimes wonderful events come through unexpected situations.

Now about your situation.

Do you love your boyfriend and does he love you? Think about this: when a person loves another, will he put him in front of a cruel choice? And the choice between a beloved man and a child is cruelty.

He is not ready to be a father. And were you ready to have sex? What about the possible consequences? Now he avoids responsibility and shifts it to you.

Will the guy be ready for fatherhood in the future? He, perhaps, for another 10-15 years will not be ready for a family, children, and always for "objective" reasons: first you need to get an education, get on your feet in a profession, work up in institutions, buy a car, a motorcycle, travel, live for yourself etc.

Your relationship has already in fact received a split and is unlikely to have a future. Decide to give birth - he will leave with the words "you yourself made such a choice." If you have an abortion, you yourself will not be able to forgive him, because you will feel like you have committed the murder of a child.

The decision to have a child is always ultimately made by the woman, so most of the responsibility will be on you. Do not focus on the guy - he has already made his choice. Yes, someday it can change. But not right now.

In making a decision, be guided by yourself: Do you want this child? Who can help you (parents, relatives, friends).

If you feel that you do not want a child, then not yet. In this case, it will be necessary to work out the feeling of guilt with a psychologist in the future (it will be).

If you want a child, everything will work out: there will be opportunities and people willing to help.

Zolotova (Polyanskaya) Yanina, psychologist in Moscow

Ultimatums in the family: blackmail or benefit?

Have you ever been told a phrase similar to: “If you don’t do this, I will do this”? Or maybe you yourself pronounce such words?

In Woody Allen's Match Point, the protagonist kills his mistress because she gives him an ultimatum: "Either you leave your wife, or I will tell her about our relationship." He loves her, but he is so afraid of losing his high position in society, which he achieved thanks to his wife, that his nerves give out. Unable to endure the blackmail of his mistress, he kills her.

Despite the possible unfortunate consequences, the ultimatum is one of the favorite means of getting what you want.

“If you don’t stop hanging out with friends, I will file for divorce”, “Until you buy a fur coat, you can forget about sex”, “If you leave me, I will commit suicide”, “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you”, “If you don’t take out the trash, I’ll stop cooking” ... With the help of cute everyday blackmail, many people quite successfully solve their family problems.

But few people think about what long-term consequences the ultimatum has and how it affects relationships.

Who is the head in this house?

Marina and Zhenya have been dating for six months. One day, Zhenya was going to a friend's birthday party at a nightclub. Marina was angry that he was going without her, and stated that if he went, then their relationship was over.

When the beloved called the next day, the girl said that they were breaking up. Zhenya did not apologize and agreed with her. After a few days of separation, Marina could not stand it and called Zhenya.

Now he set the conditions for his return, and although the girl did not like them at all, she was forced to agree, because she did not want to lose her beloved at all.

If you give an ultimatum, keep in mind that it may not be understood in the way you expected. If your plans do not include a break in relations, you should not express your requests in the form of an ultimatum.

Another unfortunate consequence may be that if everything went wrong, and you decide to abandon your ultimatum, your partner stops taking your words seriously and begins to dictate their own terms for reconciliation, which can change the existing situation for the worse.

Be especially careful with sexual manipulation (“Until you buy a necklace, there will be no sex,” etc.). After all, the husband can answer that he gets sex without any conditions with his mistress.

Competition

Lena has long been tired of the fact that her husband meets with friends every Friday at the bar and comes home in the morning. Then she set a condition for her beloved: “If you don’t stop going to the bar, I will stop cooking and cleaning the apartment.” “Well, if you stop cooking and cleaning, I will eat in restaurants,” the husband replied and carried out his threat.

Now he came home late every day, and not just on Friday. Then Lena threatened her disobedient husband that if the rebellion did not stop, she would go to live with her mother.

The husband turned out to be a tough nut to crack and gladly agreed to his wife's proposal. Now they live separately, and pride does not allow Lena to return to her husband.

For every action there is a reaction. Remember that the answer to your ultimatum may be another ultimatum, and this, in turn, can destroy the relationship.

The stakes are rising

Tonya did not like that her husband smoked. He smoked everywhere and a lot. Once Tonya announced: "Either you quit smoking, or you will sleep in another room." The husband was not ready for such changes, so he began to fight the bad habit.

Tonya was delighted with such complaisance and decided to continue the educational process. Now the ultimatum has become an everyday lever for managing her husband. Just a little, Tonya put ultimatums, not bothering to clarify the situation and conduct a dialogue.

The girl could not get enough of her obedient husband, and therefore was shocked by the news that he had another woman. “You see, with her I feel like a real strong man, and with you - complete insignificance, as if they drove over me with a skating rink.”

When an ultimatum becomes a common form of relationship, you stop communicating and understanding each other. Tyranny is established in your family. Since an ultimatum is a typical manipulation, it turns out that the one who manipulates considers himself superior to the other person. The other side feels weak and dependent.

Everyone knows how their subjects treat tyrants: they want to get out of their oppression as soon as possible. Ways can be different: from revolution and open resistance to a quiet withdrawal to places where there is a more humane form of government.

The oppressed can also find the desired relaxation in casinos, alcohol and other ways of escaping from reality.

Secret desires

Anya had lived with Pasha for five years, but he was not going to marry her. Anya was angry and constantly threatened to leave Pasha. Their relationship got worse and worse, they fought all the time.

Once Anya could not stand it and said: “If you are not going to formalize our relationship, I will leave you!” To which Pasha replied: “I am very glad that you suggested this. I've been wanting to leave you for a long time."

The accumulated problems cannot be solved with an ultimatum. If the relationship has cracked, the partner can only be happy with such a formulation of the question, because he himself was afraid to take the first step.

What is an ultimatum?

People are constantly probing the boundaries of what is permitted in relation to their partners. Do it they can mutually, which can lead either to a clear definition of the boundaries of interaction, or to confrontation and rupture of relations. It all depends on how this "probing" is carried out.

If your favorite method of influencing a partner is an ultimatum, there are reasons for that. Here they are:

Thirst for power. If you are risking relationships for the sake of, in principle, not very important things, then most likely your only goal is to gain power over your loved one. It is important for you to know that he "obeys" you, that you are in control of the situation.

You were brought up in a family where all issues were resolved with the help of emotional blackmail, and therefore you are used to this particular form of getting what you want.

You do not know how to adequately express your negative feelings. You tend to keep emotions in yourself for a long time, and then suddenly give out a short summary in the form of an ultimatum.

This happens because you are afraid of conflicts and endure the situation until it finally "gets" you. As a result, it turns out that you have a lot of problems that you are trying to solve in one fell swoop.

Unfortunately, if you have not learned to discuss with your partner what is bothering you, what you want, no ultimatum will help. It turns out that you have not established trust and are trying to act through emotional blackmail, which in this case will most likely lead to a final break.

When you need an ultimatum

Sometimes there comes a point in a relationship when you need to issue an ultimatum or leave. But only when all means are exhausted.

Ultimatum helps in the following cases:

When you know exactly what you want, why you want it, and this is vital for you. For example, if you have been living with your partner for a long time and really want to start a family, but he is in no hurry to propose.

Or you dream of children, and he declares that he does not need it. Or you find out that your husband has a mistress, and he cannot make a choice between you.

In all cases, the choice may not be in your favor, but it will give you the opportunity to get out of uncertainty and start building a life anew.

When it comes to alcohol and drugs. Normal love relationships are possible only when a person recovers and frees himself from his harmful addiction.

As long as he is not free, he will not be able to give you what you need. Only an ultimatum can give him the opportunity to think.

Of course, in all cases there is a danger that you will not be called back, but if what you are asking for is really important to you, you will save your time by cutting off contact with a person who does not suit you or makes your life unbearable.

Advantages of an ultimatum

In all cases when important things are being decided for you that determine the quality of all your lives, leaving a hopeless partner may be the only possible option for several reasons:

You are freeing yourself from relationships so that they do not drag on for years and ruin your life.

Telling a man about the breakup gives you the freedom you need to find a new partner.

If he does not change his mind, you will leave useless expectations in time and begin to build a new life according to your values.

How to give an ultimatum

1. The ultimatum must be clear and clearly formulated.

2. The partner must clearly know why you are leaving, what you want, under what conditions you will return again.

3. Set specific deadlines for making a decision.

4. If the chosen one continues to think about your words, then carry out your threat.

5. Do not return until the requirement is met.

6. If you left a man, after which he agreed to fulfill your requirements, and you returned to him, be sure to achieve the promise. Don't let him think that he's got you back and can go back to his old commitment-free life.

Men adopt our game rules and learn to manipulate us.

An ultimatum is not the best way to negotiate with a man © Thinkstock

Men continue to open doors to their subtle souls for us. And they offer us a small educational program about their "Achilles' heels" - places, touching which is painful for them, but fraught for us. How? Read the article.

It turns out that in the minds of men there is something like a price list: for such an offense you need to be punished like this. And for this... Oh, for "this" - a ticket to Afghanistan and a public flogging in the main square.

The word is man.

“Here dad told me: don’t get married, son, if you want to live long! I did not listen ... And what do I have? "On you, as in a war!" - that's what I got in exchange for the right to more or less regularly use her sexual services, to receive a cup of tea in the morning, a clean shirt and a long list of things that I have to do.

And in addition to the responsibilities during the day, I will definitely get a bunch of introductory things about what I should not do.

Gathered in the evening for a beer with friends? You look - the lock on the door urgently broke down and without me - nothing! I have football on TV - she has an urgent cleaning!

Bring home your favorite magazine. Just settled on the couch - on you! My son has a deuce in mathematics and, except for me, no one in the family distinguishes a decimal fraction from a number in a degree.

At first I endured, I thought - it should be so. And then he developed his own system of punishments for my ruined plans. There was no certainty that it would work.

© Thinkstock
It always seemed to me that it is possible to agree with a person in words, without resorting to manipulation. It turned out - no! Frank manipulations are more effective! I'm not greedy - I share with everyone!

Why and how women should be punished

Male manipulation number one. Reason: refusal to have sex. My first disappointment in family life. Here's what's interesting: why does no one have a headache before the wedding? Everyone is so active and inventive! But it is worth getting a stamp in the passport and that's it! It's just an epidemic.

The second option: I wait for the arrival of her friend and walk around the apartment in shorts, loudly discussing problems at work, not embarrassed in expressions. Having reached the peak of some work problem, in the "steam" I take their martinis from the table and drink straight from the neck. I leave without apologizing.

If I see that a sincere conversation has begun in the kitchen, I start repairing the faucet. What did you talk about? And I said: I have beer! With friends!

© Thinkstock
Male manipulation number four. Reason: a trip to the ballet. Here: shopping, a trip to the mother-in-law, urgent repairs in the hallway, etc.

My answer: car overhaul. A long estimate of the necessary spare parts, a boring story about what it means: "engine knocks." Offer to deal with the drawings together. As a last resort: you drag home some piece of iron, spread a rag in the middle of the living room and begin to disassemble this piece of iron. O! I will make a lot of money in a photo with her face someday!

Male manipulation number five. Reason: ultimatum. Oh, that's what my wife loves, and what I absolutely can't stand is ultimatums! "If you don't buy me one immediately..." The last time I heard it was a couple of years ago. She then, I remember, demanded a fur coat. Second. I went to my mother for a week. The need for a fur coat disappeared by itself. Strange ... Probably, the model did not like it.

Summary: women are strange people. The arguments of the mind do not work on them, they do not understand logic. All attempts to explain their behavior to them are shattered by an avalanche of emotions. And what is interesting: the phrase always (!) sounds: “I understood everything!

18 Mar

Should I give him an ultimatum?

You shouldn't let your man drag out the offer forever. This article describes how to talk about a wedding.

The idea that giving your man an ultimatum will ruin everything is a myth. In fact, this may be the push he needs. “If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and your man isn’t stepping up and asking you to get married, then you need to have a serious talk with him if you want to get what you want,” says family therapist Krista Bloom, Ph.D. Author of the book The Last Compatibility Test. “Know the main thing: the worst thing for a man is: “Until death do us part,” so talking about a wedding is a delicate matter.”

When should you start a conversation?

In each couple, relationships develop at a different pace, so there is no specific rule that it is worth starting to talk about the wedding after the Nth amount of time has passed. But there are some tips that you can follow. If you've only been together for 4-5 months, then it's too early to talk about the ring you're craving for. You are just getting to know each other, and this may scare him away, but this is not a reason to wait years to talk about marriage. "If you're in a serious monogamous relationship that's been going on for about a year, it's perfectly normal to want to talk to your man about a future together," says Dr. Bloom.

How to arrange it?

If you talk about the wedding carelessly, then your desire may sound like a threat, and your chosen one will feel like an animal driven into a cage. In order not to bring a man to a loss of pulse, you must be persistent, but at the same time calm.

The best way to stay relaxed in such a situation is to talk about the wedding at the very moment when you realize that this thought lives in your head all the time. “If you wait until your feelings get out of control, there is a chance that the speech will be too emotional, which can make a man stop listening to you,” says Anthony Rich, Ph.D., author of Well, Finally ! How to stop dating losers for good. “When the haunting ringing of wedding bells settles in your head, choose the most opportune moment for a conversation, for example, during a quiet dinner.”

Then be frank. "Men don't take hints, so if you're direct about what you want, you'll get the best results," says Bloom. Tell him that you imagine him as your husband and ask how he feels about it. Or say something like, “I feel good with you, and I want our relationship to develop further. I need to know that you want the same."

Now step back.

Ultimately, you should not expect an immediate marriage proposal. Remember that he needs to digest all this new information. "Give him a couple of weeks to think about his relationship with the wedding," says Rich. Set a date for further discussion of this topic and do not return to it until then.

When he makes a decision, the cards are in your hands, think about what to do next. “You can push him to propose, but you can't force him to marry you. If he's not ready for the wedding yet, it's up to you to wait or move on."

I have been in a relationship with a man for a year now, everything was fine, of course, there were quarrels, but we quickly dealt with them. But recently there was an out of the ordinary case. He gave me a condition. Either I said or the social network said. I can’t say that I have an addiction or that I spend a lot of time there, not at all. For the most part, lately I have been talking there only with my classmates at school, with my mother and with friends who are far away. And he puts me such a condition, knowing that I will not be able to choose. How appropriate is this behavior of a man?

Elena, if your man

sets the condition

that is, he manifests himself as a tyrant, then your task is not to be a victim.

Read about it here: http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/be-your-own-therapist/diary-confidence

Sincerely, Kiselevskaya Svetlana, psychologist, master.

Good answer 1 Bad answer 0

Hello, Elena.

It is important to understand why a man decided to put forward such conditions if, in your words, everything was fine. Since he puts such an ultimatum, this most likely indicates that he lacks your attention, which, in his opinion, you spend on social network communication. It is also worth figuring out if everything is really good between you. Sometimes such conditions are set in order to feel control over a partner, it will assert itself at your expense. In any case, whether to accept these conditions or not is up to you. Ask to explain to you reasoned why he is against your communication in the social. networks, what are the true motives. Talk about your relationship, what does not suit him, except social. networks. And, perhaps, when it is possible to figure everything out, the need for ultimatums will disappear by itself.

Regards, Anna.

Zinovieva Anna Sergeevna, psychologist in St. Petersburg

Good answer 0 Bad answer 1

Elena, hello. If he sets conditions when you live only a year, then what will happen next? Then everything will go on increasing and he will always set new conditions for you, without taking into account your opinion at all. Now try to find a compromise with him, say that you will spend less time on social media. networks and explain that you need to communicate with friends and mom. If it is categorical, then as an option, consider temporarily not meeting, at least a couple of weeks. so that everyone can decide. at the expense of the future and he understood. that if he does not change, then he can really lose you. If you do not learn together to find a mutual compromise, to hear and understand each other, then the future is sad for you ... With all my heart, I wish you - SUCCESS and ALL THE BEST!!!

Flying Igor Anatolyevich, psychologist Dnepropetrovsk and online via Skype

Good answer 2 Bad answer 0

Hello, Elena!

Your man is trying to control you and control you. This is a violation of your psychological boundaries. If you now succumb to his manipulation, then he will use this mechanism in the future.

But it is necessary, nevertheless, to fully understand why he puts such a condition? What does he lack in his relationship with you? Probably, he has little attention and time spent together, so he does not feel loved. Add love from your side, and everything will fall into place.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, psychologist-consultant, St. Petersburg

Good answer 10 Bad answer 3

Ultimatums in the family: blackmail or benefit?

Have you ever been told a phrase similar to: “If you don’t do this, I will do this”? Or maybe you yourself pronounce such words?

In Woody Allen's Match Point, the protagonist kills his mistress because she gives him an ultimatum: "Either you leave your wife, or I will tell her about our relationship." He loves her, but he is so afraid of losing his high position in society, which he achieved thanks to his wife, that his nerves give out. Unable to endure the blackmail of his mistress, he kills her.

Despite the possible unfortunate consequences, the ultimatum is one of the favorite means of getting what you want.

“If you don’t stop hanging out with friends, I will file for divorce”, “Until you buy a fur coat, you can forget about sex”, “If you leave me, I will commit suicide”, “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you”, “If you don’t take out the trash, I’ll stop cooking” ... With the help of cute everyday blackmail, many people quite successfully solve their family problems.

But few people think about what long-term consequences the ultimatum has and how it affects relationships.

Who is the head in this house?

Marina and Zhenya have been dating for six months. One day, Zhenya was going to a friend's birthday party at a nightclub. Marina was angry that he was going without her, and stated that if he went, then their relationship was over.

When the beloved called the next day, the girl said that they were breaking up. Zhenya did not apologize and agreed with her. After a few days of separation, Marina could not stand it and called Zhenya.

Now he set the conditions for his return, and although the girl did not like them at all, she was forced to agree, because she did not want to lose her beloved at all.

If you give an ultimatum, keep in mind that it may not be understood in the way you expected. If your plans do not include a break in relations, you should not express your requests in the form of an ultimatum.

Another unfortunate consequence may be that if everything went wrong, and you decide to abandon your ultimatum, your partner stops taking your words seriously and begins to dictate their own terms for reconciliation, which can change the existing situation for the worse.

Be especially careful with sexual manipulation (“Until you buy a necklace, there will be no sex,” etc.). After all, the husband can answer that he gets sex without any conditions with his mistress.

Competition

Lena has long been tired of the fact that her husband meets with friends every Friday at the bar and comes home in the morning. Then she set a condition for her beloved: “If you don’t stop going to the bar, I will stop cooking and cleaning the apartment.” “Well, if you stop cooking and cleaning, I will eat in restaurants,” the husband replied and carried out his threat.

Now he came home late every day, and not just on Friday. Then Lena threatened her disobedient husband that if the rebellion did not stop, she would go to live with her mother.

The husband turned out to be a tough nut to crack and gladly agreed to his wife's proposal. Now they live separately, and pride does not allow Lena to return to her husband.

For every action there is a reaction. Remember that the answer to your ultimatum may be another ultimatum, and this, in turn, can destroy the relationship.

The stakes are rising

Tonya did not like that her husband smoked. He smoked everywhere and a lot. Once Tonya announced: "Either you quit smoking, or you will sleep in another room." The husband was not ready for such changes, so he began to fight the bad habit.

Tonya was delighted with such complaisance and decided to continue the educational process. Now the ultimatum has become an everyday lever for managing her husband. Just a little, Tonya put ultimatums, not bothering to clarify the situation and conduct a dialogue.

The girl could not get enough of her obedient husband, and therefore was shocked by the news that he had another woman. “You see, with her I feel like a real strong man, and with you - complete insignificance, as if they drove over me with a skating rink.”

When an ultimatum becomes a common form of relationship, you stop communicating and understanding each other. Tyranny is established in your family. Since an ultimatum is a typical manipulation, it turns out that the one who manipulates considers himself superior to the other person. The other side feels weak and dependent.

Everyone knows how their subjects treat tyrants: they want to get out of their oppression as soon as possible. Ways can be different: from revolution and open resistance to a quiet withdrawal to places where there is a more humane form of government.

The oppressed can also find the desired relaxation in casinos, alcohol and other ways of escaping from reality.

Secret desires

Anya had lived with Pasha for five years, but he was not going to marry her. Anya was angry and constantly threatened to leave Pasha. Their relationship got worse and worse, they fought all the time.

Once Anya could not stand it and said: “If you are not going to formalize our relationship, I will leave you!” To which Pasha replied: “I am very glad that you suggested this. I've been wanting to leave you for a long time."

The accumulated problems cannot be solved with an ultimatum. If the relationship has cracked, the partner can only be happy with such a formulation of the question, because he himself was afraid to take the first step.

What is an ultimatum?

People are constantly probing the boundaries of what is permitted in relation to their partners. Do it they can mutually, which can lead either to a clear definition of the boundaries of interaction, or to confrontation and rupture of relations. It all depends on how this "probing" is carried out.

If your favorite method of influencing a partner is an ultimatum, there are reasons for that. Here they are:

Thirst for power. If you are risking relationships for the sake of, in principle, not very important things, then most likely your only goal is to gain power over your loved one. It is important for you to know that he "obeys" you, that you are in control of the situation.

You were brought up in a family where all issues were resolved with the help of emotional blackmail, and therefore you are used to this particular form of getting what you want.

You do not know how to adequately express your negative feelings. You tend to keep emotions in yourself for a long time, and then suddenly give out a short summary in the form of an ultimatum.

This happens because you are afraid of conflicts and endure the situation until it finally "gets" you. As a result, it turns out that you have a lot of problems that you are trying to solve in one fell swoop.

Unfortunately, if you have not learned to discuss with your partner what is bothering you, what you want, no ultimatum will help. It turns out that you have not established trust and are trying to act through emotional blackmail, which in this case will most likely lead to a final break.

When you need an ultimatum

Sometimes there comes a point in a relationship when you need to issue an ultimatum or leave. But only when all means are exhausted.

Ultimatum helps in the following cases:

When you know exactly what you want, why you want it, and this is vital for you. For example, if you have been living with your partner for a long time and really want to start a family, but he is in no hurry to propose.

Or you dream of children, and he declares that he does not need it. Or you find out that your husband has a mistress, and he cannot make a choice between you.

In all cases, the choice may not be in your favor, but it will give you the opportunity to get out of uncertainty and start building a life anew.

When it comes to alcohol and drugs. Normal love relationships are possible only when a person recovers and frees himself from his harmful addiction.

As long as he is not free, he will not be able to give you what you need. Only an ultimatum can give him the opportunity to think.

Of course, in all cases there is a danger that you will not be called back, but if what you are asking for is really important to you, you will save your time by cutting off contact with a person who does not suit you or makes your life unbearable.

Advantages of an ultimatum

In all cases when important things are being decided for you that determine the quality of all your lives, leaving a hopeless partner may be the only possible option for several reasons:

You are freeing yourself from relationships so that they do not drag on for years and ruin your life.

Telling a man about the breakup gives you the freedom you need to find a new partner.

If he does not change his mind, you will leave useless expectations in time and begin to build a new life according to your values.

How to give an ultimatum

1. The ultimatum must be clear and clearly formulated.

2. The partner must clearly know why you are leaving, what you want, under what conditions you will return again.

3. Set specific deadlines for making a decision.

4. If the chosen one continues to think about your words, then carry out your threat.

5. Do not return until the requirement is met.

6. If you left a man, after which he agreed to fulfill your requirements, and you returned to him, be sure to achieve the promise. Don't let him think that he's got you back and can go back to his old commitment-free life.

06 Mar 2018

Rovenna

Good afternoon! We've been dating for 5 years (I'm 30 now, he's 31). I live in my parents' apartment, he is with his and his sister (30 years old, divorced, has a child). I only go to him 2-3 times a week. He does not want to move to a rented apartment. For the first 1.5 years, everything was great, I hushed up the unpleasant moments (I adjusted to it to my detriment, buying food on trips strictly in half). Minor disagreements were resolved by negotiations, and he willingly made contact. And then I started talking about what was bothering me.

For example, I “I don’t like it when your sister always and everywhere goes with us. I miss you.” He “Don't like it, look for someone else. I want her to always be there." She reconciled herself, because she loved very much. I “Why don’t we have intimate relationships for 2-3 months?” He “You don’t attract me, you are too thin (47 kg at 166 cm) and your chest is small. Enough hysteria from scratch, we're fine." Then, for the first time, I packed my things and left. She returned a day later.

Then I asked to be warned about a change in plans, to take into account my desires, and not my sisters, when choosing a pastime. He replied that he did not owe me anything and would do what he wanted. Again I left. Then she asked for forgiveness. The next time (1 year ago) I packed my things when on March 8 he did not give me a gift, because “You, unlike others, did not deserve it. The day before, she spoke in the wrong tone. ” He apologized a day later, gave an amount equal to my gift on February 23. Then I resented him when he put me out in the downpour during an illness without an umbrella from the car to guard the place. He replied, “Don't be dramatic, I don't beat you. Others are really in trouble."

I decided to leave again, but since I was 29 years old, I returned, although he hung up, blocked my calls. At such moments as “Why should I marry such a hysterical woman”, “Earn yourself high maternity pay, I won’t be able to support you”, humiliation among friends, I tried not to pay attention in order to “not dramatize”. Even calm conversations do not lead to anything, either he freaks out or makes me guilty. And recently he said, “Your reproaches because of your sister got me, I got tired of leaving. You do not want to correct yourself, you always consider me bad, you are always dissatisfied with everything. I would be better off without you. I need a break to decide if we have a future." I know that I myself am to blame for his disrespect for me, for his inability to restrain his feelings (I never stoop to insults and humiliations either in jest or in hints). As for the rest, I try very hard: I don’t demand gifts, I don’t demand “going out”, I never limit his trips anywhere. At home (his) I do almost everything (for them). I don't call more than once a day. I often feel unhappy with him, but I don’t have the strength to finally break off relations + his words and relatives “You are no longer young” and “Others are much worse and nothing, they live” always return to him, and I want a family, children.

We need a look from the outside: is it worth it to maintain a relationship, and if so, how to respond to humiliation and neglect from a man so that he does not consider me a hysteric. How to talk about problems so that he does not perceive the conversation as a "brain removal"? I doubt I can find better.

06 Mar 2018

Hello. Are you asking if you want to keep this relationship? It is unlikely that a psychologist will make a choice for you or tell you what to do. We can try to sort out your feelings, etc.
And what do you think and feel about this? What do you think, when a guy issues an ultimatum, what is it for you? How do you see your relationship?

06 Mar 2018

Rovenna

I would like him to respect and love me, not devalue my feelings. He did not demand to change his idea of ​​\u200b\u200brelationships and respond with a smile to humiliation and neglect.

06 Mar 2018

Unfortunately, you can't change a person, you can't force yourself to love. A person can only change if he wants to. I read from your message that he wants you to change yourself. It is important to understand here that when a person tries to subordinate the life of another to himself or his desires, he makes him a slave. At the same time, he remains indifferent to your feelings and to yourself. If he wants to change you, or for you to change, then what does he love about you? What is valuable and important to him next to you? What is important and valuable to you in these relationships? Why do you need them? What will happen if you continue this relationship? What happens if you decide to complete them? And then it’s up to you to decide how much you are ready to continue to be in such a relationship.
As long as you allow yourself to be treated with disdain, as long as you endure humiliation, he will treat you this way.

A hundred years ago, in a beauty salon, I read in Cosmopolitan that a man is like a dog - he needs to develop an unconditioned reflex - vacuumed - give a pie, stroke, reward with sex. I didn’t wash the dishes (I forgot about the anniversary) - take away the pie, don’t iron it, refuse the body. More or less like this. The simplest manipulations, but many use them and nothing, they live.

Ultimatum to a man

Whether it's good or bad, but many women learn such a scheme of communication with men and do not think of another. I want to talk about an ultimatum to a man. In a relationship, we put a lot of ultimatums (“if you don’t ..., then I ...”), which can be perceived in any way - from a game to a threat. In principle, an ultimatum as some kind of time frame for making a decision can be appropriate in normal relations - in fact, you outline your boundaries and designate your space, make demands and there is nothing wrong with that - I am against putting the stamp “manipulation” on everything and run from it like fire.

Ultimatum to a man

And I want to talk because one of my acquaintances recently encountered