How to try on your husband and mother? Relations between relatives. How to reconcile an adult son and mother and return the family hearth? How to try on a guy with his mother

Question for psychologists

Hello, I have such a problem, I’m 23 years old, my boyfriend is 26, we’ve been together for a total of 4 years, when our relationship was just beginning, my parents treated him normally, but then when we started trying to live together at my house (sometimes we quarreled like all people) parents watched this and then sharply became against our living at home, then we, due to the difficulties of our communication and because of its lack, and the parents were sharply against it, decided to end the relationship, but half a year passed and we met again, and Now our financial capabilities have increased, and our intentions have become even more serious, we want to rent an apartment and live separately from our parents, but before we start living together, we decided that we first need to establish a relationship with my parents, and at the same time inform them about our decision. And yesterday I decided to talk to my mother first, to prepare her (the three of us never manage to talk, because my parents start putting pressure on me together) my mother said that she didn’t even want to see him, I suggested that they talk and said that The martyr wants to come and apologize if he was wrong and talk calmly like adults, I asked my mother to just give him a chance and listen to the person because he has changed his attitude towards life, he has become more mature, he works in a good job and treats me more seriously and we are going rent an apartment together, but before that I want them to restore normal relationships and communication, because all people can make mistakes and then apologize for them, but my mother was adamant, I said that she was behaving like a little girl, and not an adult, and that she herself taught me to forgive and be kinder to people, she said that even in this situation she would be angry and not wise, but she didn’t want to see him at all and wasn’t going to talk to him and that if he didn’t want a scandal, then it was better not comes that it’s up to me, not them (the parents), to give him a chance, and outside of our apartment we can do whatever we want, I asked if she would never even come to visit me, she replied: “I don’t want to see him “I said that this is not normal, and maybe she’ll at least think for a while and won’t give sharp negative answers, but she said that there’s nothing to think about and she won’t change her decision! I don’t know what to do about this, how soften my mother’s anger, how can I make sure that she at least gives him a chance to come and apologize, besides, this is my first experience in life of living separately from my parents, and even my husband and I have suspicions about my pregnancy, I can’t even imagine what what will be the reaction of my parents if I tell them about this and if we get ready to get married, what if they don’t even want to go to the wedding, in general, I’m completely confused, I don’t know what to do, I didn’t expect such a harsh reaction after a long time. HELP, TELL ME, MAYBE THERE ARE SOME WAYS TO SETTLE THIS CONFLICT? I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE! THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!

3 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: How to reconcile a guy with his parents?

Hello Anastasia! You must understand that your parents perceive your boyfriend through his attitude towards you. Seeing how you quarrel and swear, they accordingly formed a negative impression of your mother and probably should not have started living together from the “parental” nest. But parents always think about the well-being of their child and thereby want to protect him from mistakes and disappointment. Once you You’ve already followed your parents’ lead, separating for six months, but now you have a second opportunity to arrange your personal life, and you have to take an important step. Give in to them again, or go against them and start an independent life, but this does not mean renouncing them, you will simply become a more independent and mature person. I think, seeing your determination, they will still meet you halfway, and even more so if they find out about your pregnancy ...Parents are the closest people who wish you only happiness, show them that your MCH makes you happy and they may see him with a new look. Think about it. Good luck to you! Good answer 4 Bad answer 2

Hello Anastasia! It’s not easy for young people to start a life together with their parents, and even with yours. Apparently, during your time together, a certain image of your relationship has developed and now it manifests itself as mother’s anger. You wrote several times, Nastya, about your boyfriend’s apologies. Something apparently happened or exists for which I want to apologize to my parents. The feeling that there is a certain feeling of guilt... It seems that some time ago something happened and this allowed the parents to change their attitude.

If you decide to live together, then maybe now you shouldn’t focus so much on apologies and other things. It would be good if your young man began to do something that could be the opposite of the prevailing opinion about him. Decide for yourself what it might be. Something good for you. Then perhaps the parents will actually see changes and, over time, forgiveness will not be needed. The softening will happen by itself... I hear that you, Nastya, want to a greater extent for your parents to recognize him as the father of your unborn child and bless him for living together. It's becoming more and more common these days that children don't ask their parents for permission, but it sounds like it's important to you.

Mom behaves this way because she loves you, Nastya, and knowing the past experience of your relationship, she wants good things for you. And for her, it really may not matter at all what she looks like to you: a little capricious girl or angry and not wise.

Maybe he should stop wasting all his energy on persuasion and give his parents time? Perhaps everything will change and you won’t have to worry so much about it. Just surrender to the flow of life. ...And perhaps everything will fall into place. It may not be time for your parents to accept yet.

I wish you good luck and mutual understanding Nastya!

Sincerely, Tatyana Kushnirenko (psychologist at the Psychology Center, Orenburg)

Good answer 5 Bad answer 0

Anastasia, hello

Anastasia, I would like to support you in your desire to live independently and be glad that this desire now corresponds to your capabilities. But it seems that your joy is incomplete without the support of your parents. Anastasia, as I understand it, the first attempt at a joint relationship was not entirely successful, but over time you decided to try again, you probably managed to rethink and understand something. Anastasia, I would invite you to think about why you absolutely need your parents to accept your chosen one and certainly change their attitude? .... Just don’t rush to answer... This has something to do with the fact that it’s still not easy for you to leave, separate from your parents and start an independent life. Do you need parental support? The issue of separation and leaving the parental home is not an easy one. Try to understand what happens to you when this question arises. Maybe this is the case, and something happens that makes it important for you to restore the relationship of your parents and your chosen one. Whitaker has the idea that in order to start a truly independent life and start your own family, you need to go through a divorce from your parents. Anastasia, but, as I understand, your parents don’t really abandon you or deprive you of support. It may not look the way you would like. It seemed to me that they were just wise enough to allow you to live with a person they don’t like and thus make your own independent choice, despite their opinion. They may not accept your chosen one, but they do accept your choice. This is also a lot. And rebuilding trust takes time. It’s hard to imagine how you can rush a person to start trusting or change his mind. But it seems that your parents are wise enough not to interfere with you.

Anastasia, if you need support at the stage of your life changes, there is a need to better understand yourself, discuss or express some feelings, you can contact us in person.

I wish you good luck and support your aspirations for independence.

Good answer 1 Bad answer 1

It seems like the sun is shining the same way, and you’re laughing the same way with your friends, but no, no, there’s a flicker of sadness in your eyes. You quarreled with your mother. Your dearest, closest person in the world, and suddenly there is a disagreement, misunderstanding, resentment. Why?

Such acute situations do not arise with either a neighbor or a friend, only with my mother. Probably precisely because you are the closest people to each other. Only mom knows everything about you. From birth, she watched the formation of your character with all its knots and hitches.

At 14 years old, you consider yourself mature and misunderstood. Only mom knows the most tender and vulnerable places in your soul. Only a loved one can hurt as much as anyone else.

We often repeat the sacramental phrase: “Happiness is when you are understood.” But for some reason, by this understanding person we rarely mean mother.

Maybe because she is not part of the world that should understand you? She is already a part of you, and understanding her is a given. She understands you as a person, as an entity, as yourself.

Mom may be mistaken about fashion, not approve of your friendship with a new guy, not understand why you need to go to the country with friends for an overnight stay, etc. But she understands you much deeper, at the subconscious level.

And you? You have been together since birth, at 10, at 20, and have been together for decades. Do you understand the person who has been with you for so long? Why did she walk around cheerfully and sing in the bathroom yesterday, and today she’s crying in the kitchen? What do you know about your mother? What was she like at school? Why did you fall in love with dad? Think about why understanding should be one-sided? Is this fair?

How to make peace with your mother

Honestly, it is difficult to imagine a situation or action for which my mother would never forgive. Mothers quickly forgive even maniacs and visit them in prison. That is, mothers always forgive, but they don’t always admit it.

Mom suffers not from the fact that her daughter does not obey her, but from the fact that she does not understand her! Just like you suffer from misunderstanding.

Petty quarrel

A minor quarrel is simply resolved. You are the same as her, only you are almost the same age. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom. She is not yet used to the fact that you do not need to change her diaper and protect her from sharp corners. Try to explain this to her gently.

How? Very simple. Switch roles. Start taking care of her, taking care of her, protecting her from stress and worries around the house. Only from this position can you talk as equals.

Major conflict

It is also resolved. But it can touch upon situations and problems that you simply cannot evaluate in the same way based on life experience. Talk to mom. Listen to her reasons. Forget that this is your mother, listen to her as if a friend or a cool psychologist on the Internet is explaining everything to you.

Compromise for the sake of your mother’s peace of mind, for the sake of her heart. You are already an adult and can afford it. Give time the opportunity to put everything in its place.

Prolonged discord

Prolonged discord in relationships does not distance the problem, but distances you from each other. You start to get used to living apart. In any case, you need to take a step towards. Well, it’s like taking your grandmother across the road, giving up your seat on the subway, or being the first to say hello to your elder. The longer the discord, the more difficult it is to do this.

If I'm to blame

Could it be otherwise? Of course, you and only you are to blame! It was necessary to find such words so that my mother would understand that she was wrong! But you didn’t find it, you were just offended. Guilty!

Admitting mistakes

There must be recognition if there were mistakes. Then the process of reconciliation consists only in the fact that you honestly and frankly pronounce your repentance out loud. There must be an admission of mistakes if you do not admit them, but really want to make peace with your mother.

Even the most important reason is not worth your mother’s and your tears. Be an adult, be wiser.

Individual approach

You have one mother and the approach to solving the problem can only be individual. You are also alone with your mother, even if she has several children. Each person is special and unique, so approaches to different people can only be different.

The most individual approach is sincerity. Go not to contact the problem, but to your mother with your attitude towards it. Even if you stumble and stutter, the love and remorse in your eyes will help make peace.

Don't make peace in public

Why not? You are gathered at a large table to celebrate some holiday. Twenty people are waiting for the next toast.

You stand up with a glass and say: “I want to raise this toast to our mothers. We often upset them. They sometimes don't understand us. But no one will ever have them closer and dearer. Dear mom, forgive me for upsetting you sometimes. I love you. Be happy and healthy! For mom!”

Well, what mother’s heart won’t tremble after such a public reconciliation? Even if her heart has not yet thawed, in front of a crowd of friends and relatives she will have to forgive you, clink glasses and close this topic that is depressing both of you.

After all, sometimes for reconciliation it is not necessary to fully find out which of you was right. It is enough for each to remain to his own and allow the other to do so. The people around will create all the conditions for this.

Prepare the ground

You can prepare the ground for reconciliation for a teenager by collecting evidence, proof of your innocence, confirming an alibi, etc. All this information can be unobtrusively and gradually conveyed to the opponent.

So that when you appear before the clear eyes, hope already glimmers in your mother’s soul that she was wrong in accusing you, that in fact you are a very good daughter. That she raised a wonderful person, and her life was not in vain. All that remains is a simple formality - a live conversation.

Live conversation

It can drag on for hours. Don't regret the “lost” evening. He will remain in your memory for the rest of your life. If you made peace in public, without discussing the details and without fully finding out who is right, do not touch on this topic. Let it remain unclear.

The older your mother gets, the more expensive your gatherings and just communication are. The song used to be like this: “Talk to me, Mom.”

We are all children as long as our mother is alive. The older and older we get, the more we want to feel like a child, at least for a few minutes laying our head on our mother’s shoulder so that our mother can talk to you..

Start first

It would be strange if a girl gave up her seat on a tram to a man, a grandmother took you across the road, and a pregnant woman helped you carry your suitcase.

It would also be strange if, all other things being equal, the mother would be the first to reconcile. He comes into your bedroom in the morning and says: “My dear daughter! I realized everything, I realized that I was wrong, and I ask you for forgiveness.”

Even if she realized and understood everything, in 90 cases out of 100 she will not come in and say something. She will worry, cry in the evenings, complain to her grandmother and friends, but she won’t come in, because you are a daughter, you should come in.

It is impossible to build and raise a mother. Already because she is your mother, and not vice versa. Start first just because you are younger and stronger.

Don't drag out the introduction

You should not drag out the introduction, because it is better to worry after the act, and not before it. And then, what are you going to say in the introduction if you are in a strained relationship and communicating through gritted teeth? Well, you ask about the weather, you hear the answer and the sound of the door closing.

Remember the tactical achievements of our great commanders. They have long written down in the textbooks of great victories one of the surest ways to win a battle - surprise.

A conversation with your mother is, of course, not a battle, but tactics must be thought out in order to win, that is, to make peace.

If she's wrong

The French have a wonderful saying: “If a woman is wrong, ask her for forgiveness.” And we have the opinion that only a strong person can admit that he is wrong. So, if you still consider yourself a little girl, then no demands are placed on you. Be offended and wait.

And if you feel mature and responsible, act. Unobtrusively show your mother evidence that you are right before the main conversation. It is advisable not to do this yourself. You can reconcile with your mom if she doesn’t want to talk to you by taking your dad or brother as an ally. Although the best lawyers in these problems have always been grandmothers.

When the soil is prepared, the seeds are sown, you can come out with your apologies. Don’t be upset if you don’t hear in response: “Why, my dear, it was I who was wrong.” Sometimes things speak for themselves. You are together again. The goal has been achieved. You made it up. Or did you have another goal?

Video: Relationship with mother

Put yourself in her place

Of course, you won’t be able to put yourself in her place fully. You have a different life and slightly different information about life. But you can get a little closer to your mother’s truth if you want. Not every person is capable of this.

Only a mentally sensitive and talented individual, oddly enough, can tune into resonance and feel someone else’s pain and experiences.

If all people on the planet had these properties, many problems would simply never arise.

Right to make mistakes

Your computer sometimes becomes so glitchy that you have to completely reconfigure all your programs. A person is not a machine, he makes mistakes more often and nothing can be reset. When do we treat our loved ones with understanding and forgive their shortcomings, mistakes and failures in the program? When we love them.

Life's difficulties

If you were born into the world, then you cannot do without difficulties. The first difficulty is birth itself. Don't make excuses for having problems in life. If you measure happiness by the absence of problems, then the happiest person is the one who will never be born.

In fact, happy is the one whose life is full of such events and problems that he successfully solves.

Difficulties, even those that have not yet been overcome, especially those that have not yet been overcome, make you live brightly, they simply make you live.

If you wanted to use them as an argument for forgiveness, then, alas, it won’t work. With such an argument, you will have to equally forgive a fifa who broke a nail and a mother who lost a child. They feel the same way!

Do without reproaches

How to do without reproaches. But no way. For every phrase you say, your mother will say something that hurts you. In fact, she's just making excuses. “I said that because you did it like that,” etc.

You will also want to blame your mother for something as a defense. Bite your tongue! Learn to be smarter. If you can’t admit your guilt again, just breathe. It is not the one who speaks intelligently who seems smart, but the one who is silent the most.

Original reconciliation

It’s easier to make peace with your mother than with anyone else. Because she wants it herself. Therefore, any of your surprises, even unsuccessful ones, will be received with gratitude.

Prepare dinner, do some general cleaning, knit mittens or slippers for mom, clean out the refrigerator...do some of the work that mom always does.

Place a note in mom’s slippers with the words “Forgive me, mommy.”

Do something you've never done before. For example, take out the trash or water the flowers. If you don't live together, put a bouquet of flowers and a note in the mailbox. If you are married, give birth to a daughter and name her by her mother's name.

Psychologists advise not to quarrel with your mother. This is your lifeline, the most reliable support, the surest springboard in life.

It has been proven that a person who has a mother achieves more in life. It doesn't matter if she's milking a goat in a Ural village or running a bank in Switzerland, you feel protected just because she's there.

A quarrel with your mother deprives you of this confidence, takes you out of your normal state of mind, and knocks the ground out from under your feet. Neither at 12 years old nor at 40 should you quarrel with your mother.

Children experience the separation of mom and dad most painfully, because these two people have always been the closest, beloved and dear people to the child. Naturally, immediately after receiving unpleasant news, a boy or a girl (or a boy or a girl - age does not play a role here) begins to spin in his head about how to reconcile his parents.

Are the chances good?

Let's be honest: if the mother and father seriously intend to separate, and the application has already been submitted to the registry office, it is unlikely that any methods will help. Fortunately, there are exceptions when saving a sinking marriage is quite possible. This is possible if the parents’ decision was not deliberate and balanced, but eccentric, sudden and based on emotions.

Loud cries about divorce, moving to your mother (your grandmother), breaking dishes, tears, mutual ignoring - no matter how scary such things may look from the outside, they cannot be called sure signs of an upcoming divorce. Scandals will stop, emotions will subside, reasonable arguments will prevail, and the desire to part with the person with whom you lived for several years and made a child will disappear. Of course, in order for the process of restoration and return to the previous track to take place as quickly as possible, it is advisable to reconcile the parents with the children - after all, this is the main link that unites and brings both sides together.

No need to make a mountain out of a mountain

Children are acutely aware of adult conflicts, especially if they are their own mother and father. The latter, perhaps, simply had a fight, and half an hour later they had already restored good relations, while the child sits in his room and worries, thinking about how to reconcile his parents if they want to get a divorce, although they have no such solution to the problem even in there were no thoughts. Surely not a single child, after his mom or dad yells at him, thinks that he is wanted. The same situation with parental feuds.

Adults often quarrel, and you need to come to terms with it. Over the long years of life and while raising a child, the nerves of most men and women become rather weak. Everyone sometimes needs to let off steam, and, unfortunately, most often it is the people closest to you who are “at hand”, as a result of which you have to take it out on them. However, today you will learn how to reconcile parents if they had a fight, and thereby help restore family harmony.

Creative approach to a problem

Find as many photos of your parents together as possible and use any video editor to make a simple stitch together of pictures and music. This way you will not only please your father and mother, but will also evoke in them positive memories of the events shown. Prepare a romantic dinner. It doesn’t matter whether you tried to create a culinary masterpiece yourself or bought everything in the store, the main thing is that you force mom and dad to gather at the same table, and you go somewhere - to your room or for a walk.

Force (for they will resist) them to watch some comedy. Stay yourself too, just choose a really funny movie, ideally with romantic overtones. Watching together, coupled with an uplifting mood, will play a role.

Give your parents a little show - a sort of one-man show. You can dance, sing, tell some funny or not so funny stories, etc.

That’s it, now you know several options on how to reconcile your parents if they don’t talk, are offended by each other and conflict in every possible way. The main thing is to show your imagination and do everything with your soul. Even if the methods do not help, mom and dad will note and appreciate the efforts of their child.

Pressure on emotions

It can be easy to reason with your parents or at least one of them (who, in turn, will go to make peace with the other one), especially if you are young. The younger the child, the more difficult it is for him to explain quarrels or separations. The baby will look with sad eyes and ask his parents not to swear anymore - that’s it, at least the mother will already melt.

Remember the times when your parents talked about the romantic part of their lives - about meeting each other, a first date, a funny incident, a wedding, a vacation, etc. Then remind each party of these touching moments or ask them to tell you them themselves. In the first case, it will be ideal if you do not limit yourself to words, but show photographs or videos taken on those very happy days.

Pressure on rationalism and logic

So, you know how to reconcile parents using creative and emotional methods. True, if you are no longer a child, the first two methods may not work. But there will be logical arguments and a search for compromise. If parents are quarreling or not talking, then there was a reason. First of all, you need to find out and analyze it, carefully listening to each side - the versions will probably be different. No matter how old you are, you have a chance to become an objective “judge,” if only because your parents are full of negative emotions and are unlikely to be able to reason sensibly and calmly when it comes to quarrels and the other half.

After this, you need to show the situation from the outside to both sides of the conflict. The main thing is that the quarrel should not be as serious as, for example, betrayal - here not every woman will forgive her loved one. When adults understand that even a child understands the issue better than they do, common sense or conscience may awaken in them.

You can cheat a little: tell mom that dad wants to make peace with her, but doesn’t know how to do it, and then do the same trick with dad. As a result, the parents will think that the other person is looking for ways to restore the relationship, and they themselves will meet each other halfway. When thinking about divorce, it is quite possible to remind adults about red tape with papers, division of property and children, subsequent loneliness, etc.

Intimidation, threats and blackmail

In fact, this method is not very good, but when no other methods help, you have to use heavy artillery - in war, all means are good. So, mother and father always love their children, sometimes even more than each other. If they suddenly realize that their child is not feeling well, there will be a very real chance to reconcile the parents. Whether they are getting divorced, just planning to do so, or simply not talking to each other - none of this matters. If they see that their beloved child is sick, feels unwell or is depressed, they will unite to jointly solve the problem.

Naturally, you cannot do any obviously dangerous things to yourself. So they would rather send you to a psychologist than regret it. Moreover, adults will begin to blame and make the situation worse. In most cases, in order to reconcile parents, it is enough to simply “get sick.”

You can also hint to your parents that if they get divorced, you can do something about yourself. At the same time, under no circumstances should you harm yourself - only words and intimidation, only theoretical threats. However, there is one nuance here: if you have to keep mother and father together in such dishonest and unpleasant ways, especially if even the child understands that they no longer have feelings for each other, maybe you should think not about how to reconcile the parents, but about how to stop being selfish?

Preventing Divorce

As you know, any disease must be fought in the bud. In our case, it is the increasing frequency of scandals. Of course, quarrels, including regular ones, are not a 100% guarantee of impending collapse. Moreover, some couples keep the flame in their relationship alive in such a strange way. But it’s better to protect yourself and not let negative emotions and anger break your parents and deprive them of their former warm feelings.

If possible, try to involve both ancestors in your entertainment: walking together, going to the store or cinema, watching movies at home, a variety of verbal, board, card and many other games. Also, if possible, help your mother or father around the house, as sometimes scandals arise out of nowhere, for example, when both parties cannot decide who washes the dishes or takes out the trash. It’s not difficult for you to do both the first and the second, but you won’t have to think about how to reconcile your parents, because there won’t be any quarrels. It is also advisable to introduce and start some family traditions - they also unite mothers, fathers and their children.

Love your father and mother and learn from their mistakes

Whatever methods you choose to reconcile your parents, always love them and do not hide your feelings. Perhaps mom and dad have cooled off a little towards each other. However, if they feel your sincere love, they will not even think about getting a divorce. Rather, on the contrary, they will feel not only sympathy for each other, but also respect, because together they managed to raise such a worthy child.

Whether it comes to divorce or not, you will receive a passive experience in any case. By observing your parents, you will understand (ideally, remember and take into account) what mistakes you should avoid in your own future relationships, what you can do in especially conflict situations, and how to improve relationships with your other half.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, dear psychologists.

My name is Polina, I'm 20 years old. The characters in the story are 25 (brother) and 57 (mother) years old.

4 months ago there was a quarrel. In the presence of her son, my mother called him in the third person “this” and it was audible to both of us (since I was present at that moment). When my brother asked not to do this (and my mother taught us since childhood that this is extreme disrespect), my mother began to say that we heard something (unfortunately, this happened often. My mother does not admit that she could have made a mistake or does not admit that what she said). As a result, the brother did not leave it like that and asked his mother “not to get out of it, because everyone heard the same thing - and what was said was true.” The scandal grew over the topic of how her son dares to reprimand her and speak in such a tone (I heard everything, there was not a single offensive phrase, just maybe the voice). In other words, the brother wanted her to admit her mistake and, quite nicely, apologize. Mom began to extricate herself from the situation, bombarding her brother with unfounded arguments and insults (“the crap has grown,” “know your place,” etc.). One of the phrases spoken struck him even more strongly - “you need to drink less” (my brother does not have the habit of drinking at all, he does it civilly, and does not get drunk). This was the end and not a word was said to each other since then. Let me remind you, 4 months of silence.

On my mother’s birthday, my brother did not give her a gift or congratulate her, which hurt my mother even more.

A couple of times I tried to talk to my mother seriously about this topic. Despite the fact that they told me that “there is no need for a lawyer” and that I should mind my own business, I tried to ask my mother questions about that situation. Asking for the reason for the quarrel, she tried to explain her brother’s position and accept her position. The answer was that his own son spat in his soul. Unfortunately, I was unable to get a clear answer to the reason for the quarrel. I had similar conversations with my brother, but he gave a clear and clear position - “my mother insulted me, I want her to admit her mistakes, and I stopped quarrels by avoiding communication with her. It makes no difference to me who it is, a friend, a stranger or my mother - I have no desire to communicate with her."

Unfortunately, 2 years ago, my mother lost her last relative from her maiden family - her sister. Because of this, our dad cannot take my side so that my mother is not left completely without support. You have to fall under the hot hand of one.

I personally think that both are always wrong and that the one who apologizes first is the wiser. And I do the same myself. However, my mother and brother are too similar to each other. Both prefer to run away from family problems rather than solve them, and are too proud and offended to apologize or admit mistakes. As a result, we are at a dead end. Neither I nor my father know what to do in this situation, how to return their warm relationship? There have been quarrels before, more and more, but this one is catastrophic.

The second question relates more to me personally. The fact is that my mother does not admit that there may be some psychological problems in our family. She almost never asks “what’s wrong?”, “What happened?”, “Did someone offend you?”, unless there are a hail of tears on my face. The only thing I hear is reproaches about my gloomy and unfriendly face. In other words, again avoiding problems rather than solving them. When I got into trouble, I didn’t get an answer to the question: “What did I do/say wrong?” Only “you don’t understand”, “oh, leave me alone.” Regarding the situation with my brother, my phrases about “I’m in a lot of pain” are ignored or ridiculed. Any serious conversation is distorted. The eternal phrase “your number is 47.” Complete denial that I am part of the family and not just a child, but a person with my own opinion and, possibly, true thoughts (more true than hers). Almost always, any conversation with arguments ends up turning the arrows on me and the phrase “and I’m saying this.” I don’t know how to show my mother that problems should not be kept silent, but should be discussed and spoken out loud, should be resolved. How can I correct my mother’s attitude towards me in this case?

I’m in a lot of pain, for the 4th month I’ve been trying to withstand the psychological pressure (in childhood, for example, we always had dinner as a family, my son told interesting stories, everyone laughed. Now dinner takes place in deathly silence and with glances to the side), I don’t know, who to ask for help and how to correct the situation. Help me please.

P.S. I'm sure I forgot to mention something, but I tried to describe it in as much detail as possible.

Psychologist Alina Vladimirovna Lelyuk answers the question.

Polina, hello!

You always want everything to be fine with those closest to you, everyone to be in wonderful relationships and in good health. And we begin to “help” with this with all our might. Sometimes even to your own detriment.

I will say right away that two quarreling people will make peace only when they themselves want it. And unfortunately, no matter what you do, no matter what measures you take, everything will be in vain. Not only that, you can also “receive a slap in the face” from each side for interfering in their relationship. It is not in your power to reconcile your mother and brother. Moreover, their relationship had not been going well for a long time. And now they may have reached a dead end.

Your mother is no longer a girl. This is a fully formed person. With your own habits, attitudes and principles. And your desire alone is not enough for your mother to begin to change. She herself must want it. And apparently, her relationship with her brother is absolutely satisfactory and fits perfectly into her norms. Otherwise, she herself would have taken steps towards a truce.

My brother is also already quite an adult. And he has the right to defend his rights. And he does it as best he can and as best he can. He has his own principles and permissible standards of communication. He is simply asserting his boundaries. Perhaps for him this was the last straw of misunderstanding on his mother’s part. You won't be able to influence him either.

Polina, no matter how painful it may be for you to watch this relationship, stop participating in it. You can absolutely calmly communicate normally with both your mother and your brother. But at the same time, put off your attempts to reconcile them. Until they themselves are ready for this, everything will be useless.

And regarding the question regarding you. You clearly gave your mother a “diagnosis” - avoiding problems. Perhaps this is true. But there may be other options. Perhaps her mother's mother treated her the same way. And your mother simply cannot and does not know how to behave differently with children. Find out what your mother's relationship was like with her mother. Talk about her childhood. Maybe you will change your mind about your mother. And your attitude towards your mother will change.

Perhaps your mother wasn't always like this. And it was you, your dad and your brother who made her this way with your attitude towards her. When a person constantly does not receive enough love, tenderness, attention and care, he himself stops giving it to others. Think about it carefully.

Polina, due to your still very young age, you may not take into account a number of factors from your mother’s life. Perhaps she, too, is missing something and is also not happy with something in the behavior and attitude of all family members towards her. And you need to think and analyze this very carefully.

You will never be able to change another person without his desire. Even if it is the closest and dearest person – mother. But when you start changing your attitude towards her, you will be able to watch how her attitude towards you changes.

You can talk to your mom calmly. Without reproaches, tears and hysterics. No accusations against her. Since any accusations force the other person to defend himself. Just tell her how much you love her, how much you need her attention and care. About what you really miss and what you would like to hear from your mother. Ask what she would like the relationship to be like? What is she missing? In a word, talk like two grown women. Very often this benefits both parties.

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They began to divide the “palm” for the future grandson, which upset me a lot.
- If only the child could join our breed! - my mother said dreamily at the feast in honor of Kostya’s birthday.
- Why else?! - my mother-in-law Elena Sergeevna asked jealously. — Everyone in our family has a university education!

The conversation about whose genes are better continued for almost another hour. The situation became tense until the men (my dad, father-in-law and husband) firmly said that it was enough to injure the expectant mother and that whatever happened would be fine, as long as the baby was healthy. The conflict never became open again, but its echoes reached me: first one grandmother would say something, then the second, both with the best intentions!

The most magical nine months of my life have passed, and our daughter was born. The grandmothers developed a vigorous activity. Each of them gave me a list of names, one of which we had to (obliged!) to name the baby. The tone of the letters with names was categorical, gradually asking questions: are we going to accept the proposal for the name of the “opposite side”? Kostya and I patiently explained over and over again that it was we, the parents, who would make the decision, and any coincidence with one of the lists was nothing more than an accident and not a reason for either offense or celebration. As a result, we finally chose the name ourselves, deciding to name our daughter Sonechka.

The day of discharge from the hospital has arrived. Upon arriving home at the feast, an unpleasant conversation took place again.

- But Sonechka joined our breed! - My mother declared triumphantly.

- Why, Antonina Ivanovna? - asked Kostya.

- Well, how come you don’t see? The eyes are like Ritochka’s (that’s me), the nose is like Nikolai Fedorovich’s (that’s my dad), and the hair is mine! - Mom answered proudly.

The statement about hair made everyone laugh: Sonechka had several light brown hairs swaying on her head. Mom embarrassedly argued that it was the shade she had in mind.

- No, Tonechka, you’re wrong! - my mother-in-law said reproachfully. — Sonechka is very similar to Kostya when he was just born. And, as you know, if a girl looks like her dad, she will grow up to be a beauty. So here are our genes!

This time there was no heated argument, everyone tried to control themselves, as befits in this situation, but “pins” from one grandmother or another were constantly visible in different topics.

Now a little more than a month has passed since Sonechka’s birth, and the grandmothers are in quiet confrontation with each other. Each of them believes that the other does not understand anything about caring for a child, and demands that I listen only to her advice. They are also waging an unspoken struggle for the title of “best grandmother”: each of them tries to show that it is she who does more for her granddaughter (helps with care, buys new clothes, gives practical recommendations). Grandmothers try not to meet each other. They talk about each other with restrained irritation, and during casual meetings they continue to maintain cold neutrality, although ironic statements make it clear how things really are. It is obvious that there is a conflict between them and it is built around Sonechka. I think that this is not very good - both for the girl herself and for the grandmothers. For Sonechka - because if the situation does not change, she will continue to be “torn” into pieces. And for grandmothers - because it is a pity that two elderly women do not find the wisdom and good will in themselves to simply enjoy communication with the baby. And more and more often I have a question: what can I do to somehow reconcile them? And I myself want to live in a calm environment, and not on the verge of constant conflict.

Commentary by psychologist Alexandra Moskalenko

A conflict over a child is just the tip, a reason for the aggression present in grandmothers to burst out. It is likely that women had not found a common language before. Most likely, one of them (or even both) disagrees with each other on something important. The initial topic for mutual misunderstanding can be anything, but there is no doubt that it exists.

The main thing in this situation is to preserve the psychological well-being of the baby. And this issue will be especially acute when she turns 1.5-2 years old. Already at this age, children are able to grasp the nuances of relationships between adults and use them to their advantage. And the older the child becomes, the better he masters the “art” of manipulating relatives. If grandmothers are fighting for the “prize”, which of them is better, then in this situation you can achieve almost anything from them. And children, as a rule, do not miss such an opportunity. Therefore, try to protect your child from these “intrigues of the royal court” now.

In this situation, it is important for Rita to understand that the conflict did not develop because of the birth of a child, that the prerequisites for it existed earlier. And that is why you should not take responsibility for the relationship of two adult women. They themselves are responsible for what happens, and this is important. But of course, Rita also has some opportunities to reduce the external manifestations of the conflict.

Maintain a position of neutrality. Having a calm environment around you is not selfishness; it is a normal desire of a woman who is breastfeeding and caring for a child. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be made a “third party” to the conflict. Namely, the role of a “garbage basket” is imposed on the young mother (as well as the father) in such conflicts. Both women express their opinions about the opposite side behind the scenes, and as a result, it is you who become the accumulator of negative information. Therefore, gently but firmly indicate your position: if grandmothers have something to say to each other, let them say it directly. If not, let them remain silent. And try not to take anyone’s position in the conflict other than your own.
Limit “table talk.” Feasts are a moment “favorable” for expressing conflicting messages. And after that, making peace is more difficult than if the conversation took place one on one. Therefore, you should try to eliminate unpleasant conversations at the table as much as possible. Agree with your husband that as soon as you hear something “dangerous” and threatening to turn into a long conversation, immediately propose a new topic. Prepare your topics in advance.
Talk to each of the grandmothers. In the conversation, emphasize that your common goal is the happiness and well-being of the baby, and peaceful relationships in the family. And all of you strive for this goal: young parents, grandparents. And this is precisely what is worth remembering. Will it be good for a girl if she sees that her beloved grandmothers cannot find a common language?
Try to show grandmothers common ground. For example, you can kindly inform one grandmother that her opinion on a particular issue completely coincides with another grandmother. This may initially cause a negative reaction, but after thinking about it, women may come to the conclusion that there is something in common in their positions.

Perhaps your actions can only make the conflict less obvious, and not resolve it. And you shouldn’t take on such responsibility. Before us are two mature, established personalities, whose views may not coincide so much that they will never be able to become friends. It is quite enough if in this situation they behave tactfully, clarify sensitive issues with each other and do not make the conflict open to everyone. And it is important to remember that they are two loving grandmothers who want to communicate with the baby, and it is in your power to provide them with this opportunity.

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