What to do with the slave son. The child is driven - what to do, how to fix it? I'm an independent kid

Your child is very obedient and reliable, never argues with you, and in the company of children always agrees with the rules of the game of more active comrades. He happily shares his toys, compliments everyone and never gets into conflict, even if he doesn’t agree with something.

Such children are called followers. In order to understand why the baby developed such a character trait, you need to understand in more detail the reasons that caused it.

Usually, children who are under the overprotection and subordination of their parents, but due to their temperament, do not find the strength or sufficient motivation to resist this state of affairs, become followers. Usually phlegmatic, melancholic or sickly, not very active children become followers.

When interacting with peers, led children automatically transfer their relationships with their parents to relationships in the group. Often conformist children become followers. Sometimes the motive for such behavior may lie in the area of fear of loneliness. The child is afraid that if he does not accept other people’s rules of the game, no one will be friends with him.

The result does not take long to wait. Such children often become the target of jokes and teasing because they are unable to fight back. They are teased with various offensive nicknames. In games, they always get the most unwinning roles, their opinion in the group is never taken into account, more active children begin to command and push them around.

It is not difficult to simulate the future of such a child. Agreeing with the opinion of the group or crowd in everything, such people will take on the role of a follower in the future. Submitting to their parents, they choose the wrong profession that they would like to do, the wrong type of activity, and if they are under the influence of their comrades, they often commit antisocial acts.

All this leads to dissatisfaction with one’s life and nervous breakdowns in the future. Therefore, it is necessary to correct the behavior of a driven child from an early age, when passivity has not yet become a dominant character trait.

Where should you start working? First of all, explain to your child that you must defend your opinion. Even if the child does not agree with the parents’ opinion regarding his life or everyday life, he needs to argue, and not agree unconditionally. It is important to develop in a child leadership qualities and the ability to defend their opinion. To do this, encourage in every possible way any independent action of the child: an offer to play a game, go for a walk to a specific place, etc. Never put pressure on your child with your authority; you must not give the child the impression that parents are the last authority, from where only directives come that must be followed unconditionally. It is important that the child understands that parents are also capable of making mistakes.

Teach your baby to say “no!” This is a very important ability to refuse a person if for some reason he cannot fulfill the request. You don’t have to agree on everything, even with older, authoritative people. This will help the child in the future not to get hooked by those comrades who persuade them to try alcohol or drugs or encourage them to commit illegal actions. The ability to say “no” when necessary! will help the child grow into a self-sufficient and conscious person who is able to go through life, focusing only on his own goals and ideals, who knows how to achieve his own. Teach your child to argue and defend his point of view. Start disputes with him on a variety of topics and at the same time give in to him. Take into account the child’s opinion, allow him to put his ideas into practice, because theoretical reasoning alone will be of little use.

Play games with your baby in which he will act as a leader, managing some part of life. For example, let him be the father of the family, and you his daughter, that is, in a situation where social roles are changing.
All these measures taken together will correct the child’s behavior and prevent him from being a pawn in the hands of more active friends, allowing him to become more decisive and independent.
Nurturing independence
Stages of developing independence skills:
1. The child participates in the work that the elders do, helping them and under the full control of the elders.
2. The child does a new thing together with his parents.
3. The child does the job, the parents help him.
4. The child does everything on his own!
The most important question is the division of responsibility: in what situations should parents help the child, and in what situations should they face the fact that they need to solve their problems themselves?
In order for a child to get used to acting independently, you need to take care of three conditions:
1. The child’s own desire.
2. An obstacle on the way to the object of desire that the child can overcome.
3. Lasting Reward! This idea is brilliant, but how to implement it in life is not always immediately clear.
In order for our children (and sometimes quite adults) to stop being children and become independent, it is important:
· Do not cultivate lack of independence. Lack of independence is not completely and not always a character trait; more often it is a learned, habitual behavior, either routinely adopted from those around them, or used in connection with certain conditional benefits. Lack of independence is cultivated in the same way as any other skill and character trait: first of all, with the help of suggestions and reinforcement of non-independent behavior.
· Teach children to obey. This sounds paradoxical, but it is exactly so: the best way to raise your child to be independent is to first teach him to obey you.
· Encourage independence. If a child sees beautiful and vivid examples of independent, successful children, the child will want to be like them.

· Create situations where independence is possible and within their capabilities. Give your child some areas in which he can master unfamiliar actions that are unusual for him. How will we outline these areas, for example, for a five-year-old child? Write down what your child should be able to do independently and well at age six. For example, setting the table, keeping toys in order, and so on... Thus, you create the opportunity for him to do this independently day after day and hone the skill to the point where the child can completely control this area of new actions for him.
· Create situations where independence and adulthood are prestigious and attractive.
· Create situations where independence is mandatory and simply forced. Children simply need to be taught to adult life, responsibility and independence, including affairs and concerns in adult life. In Africa, children herd cattle from the age of 3, as soon as they learn to walk well. In the village, children have adult responsibilities from the age of 5-7. “How old are you? “The seventh has passed…” (Nekrasov, “A Little Man with a Marigold”).

A child without his own opinion rarely bothers his parents, because we ourselves teach him to obey and trust our requirements and tastes. But by the age of 7, this can become a problem - especially if there are friends next to him who know exactly what they want. And then the follower becomes an object of manipulation. First at school, then in life.

February 22, 2015· Text: Svetlana Zabegailova· Photo: Shutterstock, GettyImages

Parents who do not give their child freedom, decide everything for him, do not trust his natural ability to find benefit from both trial and error, and close his development around themselves. YOU are the safest environment for him, YOUR instructions are the only correct ones. A child lives and grows up with such a directive.

The child, in search of his place among his peers, tries to fit in with the group, but, constantly being in strong subordination to his parents, he is also only able to be in a subordinate position in a group of children. Of course, he is not comfortable, but he is forced to go against his desires. The main thing is to be accepted, to gain a foothold in a group of guys, the rest is less important. Alas, other children quickly figure out how to use their new reliable friend: in kindergarten he will perform tasks that no one likes to do, and on the playground he will play roles that no one wants to take on. In moments of children's conflicts, they will be pushed around, and the baby will always support the stronger side, regardless of whose side is right. So the baby will gradually learn to humble himself and become weak-willed and lacking initiative.

The complete lack of freedom of choice in childhood has an extremely negative impact on children's self-esteem. A grown-up child will consider himself insufficiently competent, respected, will always be indecisive, which means he will not be able to take a worthy place in life and will certainly not achieve what he could.

Friends since childhood

Don't interfere with children's friendship, it teaches a lot and is very important.

Friendship is a very valuable union of two or more people with similar interests and views on the world, or, conversely, absolutely opposite and complementary. Is childhood friendship strong? Undoubtedly, there are a huge number of people who have grown up, and even grown old, who have carried through their entire lives a precious relationship with their childhood friend.

By the age of 4, a child’s communication with peers becomes meaningful, he tries to cooperate, distribute tasks and roles in the game. By the age of 5-6 years, the child does not yet strive for self-affirmation at any cost. At this age, something else is more important - a common cause, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a game or just a conversation. The main thing is to be together. It is at this age that a new feeling first arises - the desire to do something for a friend, the feeling of a shoulder and the desire for partnership. The child sees in front of him another person who thinks differently, is interested in different things, plays different games. These activities are no better or worse, but they are different and this is the first thing that attracts the little researcher.

But by the age of 7, the child develops an interest not only in activities, but also in the personality of his little friend. The baby pays attention to him and consciously takes care of him. And, of course, in all these joint activities, the mutual copying of words, movements and gestures comes first. And your attempts to eradicate children's craving for imitation will be almost hopeless.

Imitation at this stage is the most important mechanism for assimilating experience and adapting to the world. But we, parents, know that outside the apartment, not everything is so rosy; the baby will face grief and disappointment.

Friendship should not be consumeristic, because the basis is not so much revenue as mutual assistance; everyone should benefit from this personal symbiosis. One should not be a constant lifesaver or vest for the emotional cleansing of someone's soul.

A true friend will not remain silent if his friend does something bad, will not be indifferent when his friend is about to make a big mistake, will not remain silent if his friend is wrong. Even if your child is not a leader in a group of children, he is a valuable member of the group because he has his own opinion on all issues and is not afraid to voice his view of things. And a leader can show both good and bad direction.

How to teach him to distinguish a positive example from a negative one? It is necessary to help the child develop independence of thinking and behavior from what is imposed from the outside. To do this you need to give him two keys. The first is the key to yourself – a healthy and realistic assessment of yourself. The second is the key to the doors that he wants to open - the ability to set his own goals, believe in himself, achieve his goals and say “no” to those who are trying to lead him astray.

10 diseases that interfere with life.

So, what makes us “followers”:

Low self-esteem
Feeling of own inferiority.
Submission and devotion.
Lack of a developed sense of responsibility.
Excessive gullibility.
Lack of life experience. Unstable beliefs.
Timidity and shyness.
Increased sensitivity, emotionality and impressionability.
Uncritical thinking.
Acute emotional loneliness.

KEY ONE: “I trust myself very much.”

Before you have your say and help others understand and accept yourself, you need to correctly assess your personality, your individuality. Understand your value and don't sell it cheap.

10 straws for our soul:

1. Unconditional love of parents.

She should be here first! Help your child feel that he doesn't have to do anything special to earn your love. Whether he is successful or not, handsome or not, you love him very much. Children's complexes are based not on the child's real problems, but on our negative assessments.

2. Recognize successes, even if we expected more.

The emphasis should be shifted to the very fact of achieving the goal, and it is better not to dwell on failures at all.

3. Call yourself affectionately.

As you like? Don't you like it at all when I call you that? I understand, I won’t do it again! Parents don’t even suspect how often they lower their children’s self-esteem with their “harmless and innocent” nicknames.

4. I set myself up for success.

Come up with positive ideas for the week for yourself and your child:

“I am the kindest” or “I am very smart”

At the end of the day, you can tell what exactly you did to prove your kindness and confirm your courage. Play the game: “I boast a little, but I’m not arrogant.” When doing something, compose more and more new pseudonyms: “I am the most skillful PelmeneSTRYAP”, “I am the clever BubbleDUV”.

5. Change negative thoughts to positive ones.

If a child comes home from a walk sad, is dissatisfied with how he read a poem, breaks something, gets it dirty, or loses it, don’t swear. Not all singers are artists, and not all pianists are mathematicians! Try to provide support in this trouble: “Can’t jump over? But how can you run!”, “Not everyone can be an artist, someone has to fly into space!”, “Are you dirty? Great, I’ll teach you how to remove stains with a special secret remedy.”

6. I'm proud of you for...!

Tell your child words of praise, but not just “clever girl,” but “you drew such a wonderful sun, smart girl,” “great, you caught the ball.” The child must understand that praise is given for some achievements. In the end, she will be much more valuable than the usual “well done.”

7. Don't be afraid to start.

Afraid to climb a hill? But we can climb one step and stand on it today and tomorrow and, if necessary, the day after tomorrow. And then there will be step two.

Allow your child to grow and learn within his or her physical, mental, and even emotional capabilities. Set feasible tasks that are doomed to success in advance, and then the child will gradually learn to trust himself, believe in his abilities and try more.

8. What do you think?

Recognize your child's right to a personal opinion. Only those who have a choice are ready to take responsibility for the consequences of their decision. But what if it suddenly fails? Don’t say: “I warned you,” these words contain some inexplicable satisfaction with failure. Say: “Yes, it didn’t turn out quite as you expected. Think about what needs to be fixed.” The kid decides for himself and makes mistakes, but the main thing is not this, but what he will do better next. He will not stop trying, he will not be afraid of the consequences. And this is the first step towards the ability to take responsibility for your life.

9. I listen to you carefully.

The method of active listening is the work that forces dad to take his mind off football, and mom to take her mind off the dirty dishes. Why is this necessary? Because when people talk to each other, they look into each other’s eyes, they want to understand their interlocutor, his thoughts, feelings, motives.

10. It was 100 years ago.

Your own childhood experience is a real storehouse of valuable lessons; these are stories that teach a child without moralizing and grumbling.

KEY TWO: “I am not a leader, but I am a PERSONALITY!”

10 rods for my child.

Are you far from a leader? Don’t be upset, because there are both gray cardinals and modest princesses. No matter how soft, gentle and impressionable your child is, developing leadership qualities will only benefit him. The main thing is not to overdo it and not to try to make the child someone he is not and someone he is not capable of becoming and, most importantly, does not want.

1. I am an independent kid.

Give your child more freedom, let him accumulate rich experience in overcoming various tasks and difficulties. Through them he learns many skills that give him the confidence “I know how to do this.”

2. I love to dream.

Dream together as often as possible. Imagine yourself walking in a fairytale forest and saving a sick wolf from evil hunters, and then helping him find true friends who didn’t know him at all before and for some reason were afraid of him. Imagine how you are exploring space, the depths of the ocean, fighting thirst in the desert, making your way through marshy swamps. Use positive visualizations as often as possible: “imagine yourself strong”, “imagine yourself successful”, “imagine yourself on a fiery horse”.

3. I am a valiant hero.

Read to your child fairy tales about heroes who help someone out of trouble, overcome dangers, fight their own passions (fears, greed), look for stories with a clear moral. Discuss them. Learn to distinguish between the actions and thoughts of different characters, what they are (jealousy, lies, envy, courage, devotion), how to relate to them and how to react to them. Emphasize which friends are real and which are imaginary? When taking a break from reading, ask: “Do you like Gerda? Why do you think the little robber keeps animals in captivity? Is it because she’s very bad, or is she just very lonely?”

4. I have already lost this role.

Tell us that all people are different, look different, have different preferences, so we can never please everyone. But we can always remain honest with people and with ourselves. Teach your child to correctly express his attitude towards people (whether it is good or bad), to refuse what is unacceptable to him. Speak with conviction (the main thing is not what to say, but how), look the offender in the eyes.

To combat children's uncertainty and indecision, create a series of situations, the way out of which will require a certain firmness and courage, and play out these situations with your child repeatedly. You need to literally coach him, train him in those moments where he is faced with aggressive behavior, he is forced to close his eyes to something, do something bad, or he just needs to gather his courage and overcome his shortcoming.

6. The main thing is not to lead - the main thing is to finish.

Teach your child to finish what he starts. Let your parental motto at this stage be: “I will be there and together we will cope”

7. Initiative is not punishable!

Welcome any endeavor. Support and approve your child’s ideas, hobbies, interests. Even if they quickly replace each other, they still enrich the child’s worldview, make him competent in many areas, and help him in further self-determination.

8. I can laugh at myself.

Only a parent who is capable of laughing at himself and who is careful about the personality of his children can teach a child to laugh at himself: “Don’t be afraid to be funny. I'm terribly awkward. I love to make faces. Look how comical I look with a pillow and a big red mustache. Imagine how funny it will be if you paint your teeth black and draw a black eye, and then greet your mother from work like that.” Play clowns, fat women, shaggy men and wait for your child to want to take part in this venture. When an insecure child tells you, “Look, I'm funny,” that's a victory!

Agree
Compromise
Coping with dissatisfaction, jealousy, resentment
Experiencing disappointments and breakups
Defend your rights, toys, beliefs
Share your feelings, secrets, thoughts
Overcome fear and uncertainty.

Your child is very obedient and trouble-free, never argues with you, and in the company of children always agrees with the rules of the game of more active comrades. He happily shares his toys, compliments everyone and never gets into conflict, even if he doesn’t agree with something.

Such children are called followers. In order to understand why the baby developed such a character trait, you should understand in more detail the reasons that caused it.

Usually, children who are under the overprotection and subordination of their parents, but due to their temperament, do not find the strength or sufficient motivation to resist this state of affairs, become followers. Usually phlegmatic, melancholy, or sickly, not very active children become followers.

The ability to say “no” when necessary! will help the child grow into a self-sufficient and conscious person who is able to go through life, focusing only on his own goals and ideals, who knows how to achieve his own.

Teach your child to argue and defend his point of view. Start disputes with him on a variety of topics and at the same time give in to him. Take into account the child’s opinion, allow him to put his ideas into practice, because theoretical reasoning alone will be of little use.

All these measures taken together will correct the child’s behavior and prevent him from being a pawn in the hands of more active friends, allowing him to become more decisive and independent.

Why is the child a follower? Is it genetic or upbringing errors? and got the best answer

Answer from Eel[guru]
Someone is a leader, someone is a “follower”, I think it’s built that way.

Answer from Victoria Prikhodko[guru]
Very authoritarian parents.

Answer from Al Pointdexter[guru]
Genetically, and that's not bad,
leaders get all the big shots in life....

Answer from Hope[guru]
Some people have it genetically, while others have it due to their upbringing, for example, if the parents are used to deciding everything for the child, or they intimidate and beat him.

Answer from Musya[guru]
both are possible. . Perhaps the child still has a genetic tendency to obey, and the parents developed it by pointing it out to him all the time and not offering him a choice...

Answer from Angela Sukacheva[guru]
I had a difficult childhood... But I never became a follower... A born leader)) Probably, the way you were born is the way you will become - and you can’t knock out genetics with a stick))
In general, I don’t see anything wrong with a gentle character. The main thing is that only good people meet in the world; one must always be able to distinguish the wheat from the chaff.

Answer from User deleted[guru]
Exclusively upbringing mistakes: Psychologists call this phenomenon “Hyperprotection” - when parents show excessive love for their child. “Overprotection” is expressed in a painful perception of EVERYTHING that happens in a child’s life. Parents who are involved in “overprotection” of their child, with the best intentions, control every action of the child, trying to help him even where the child can cope on his own. The result of this is that, without knowing it, parents are raising their child to be a pathologically driven person.
Ultimately, a child raised in “hyperprotection” grows up to be a person who CANNOT feel normal where he needs to make INDEPENDENT decisions. Such people grow up EXTREMELY UNCONFIDENT, UNABLE to make independent decisions. The result of this is “chronic” failures, and as a consequence - complexes. Such people, as a rule, do NOT have more or less significant success in either their personal or social life.
How NOT to make your child a “follower”? : It’s extremely simple - from birth you need to give the child the opportunity to make ALL decisions independently. Parents need to CONTAIN the desire to help their child (extreme situations, of course, do NOT count - when the question of the child’s “Life and Death” arises). Parents need to “instill” in their child the idea that the day WILL COME when the child will need to start living independently. It is necessary, if possible, to allow (NOT force, but ALLOW!) to do everything on his own.
And then your child will NEVER become a “follower”. Good luck! 😉

Answer from VIC[guru]

“It’s as if Alena was replaced,” a colleague complains about his daughter. - She was a quiet, obedient, homely girl, she dressed modestly, did not conflict with me, and studied. Now she has become rude, she dresses provocatively, her skirt barely covers her butt, and I smell tobacco from her from time to time. And all her new friends, girls from dysfunctional families, they taught her everything. I can’t imagine what to do!” Of course, the changes that Alenina’s mother talks about would not please any parent. What is the reason for this behavior of the “home girl”? And what did her mother miss? What could she do to avoid the harmful influence on the child’s personality from “informal leaders”?

Leaders and followers

Children, like adults, can be leaders and followers. There is no need to explain what this means. Of course, all parents want their child to be a leader in the company of peers. Fathers of boys especially insist on this - they are flattered when their son grows up to be a “real man.” But - unfortunately, and maybe fortunately - not all people are born leaders. Fortunately, because imagining a team, a family, a world, finally, consisting of only leaders is simply creepy - here it’s not far from bloodshed. Should you be sad if your child is driven (we are not addressing ambitious dads, but sensible parents who want happiness for their children)?

There is probably no reason to be sad after all. Well, in fact, you’re not sad, say, because your child was born in winter and not in summer? So the “statement” should be taken for granted. After all, if we talk about the future of such a child, there are a lot of professions where leadership qualities are not required. This, for example, is all creative professions. Well, why should a writer, artist or actor, journalist be a leader? Who should they lead? Unless, of course, the actor wants to become the chief director of the theater, and the journalist wants to become the editor-in-chief. But a career can be made without pronounced leadership qualities: their absence is compensated by high professionalism, ambition and ambition, enterprise, and the ability to make the necessary connections, finally. It's another matter if your child is spineless. Let’s talk about this in more detail, because this character trait can lead to very unpleasant consequences. The task of parents is to influence the child’s personality in such a way as to eradicate this quality.

Comfortable baby

Let us remember the words of Alena’s mother, which we cited at the beginning: “a quiet, obedient, homely girl,” “did not conflict.” The mother seems to be complaining that before it was easy and convenient with a child, the girl could be controlled. And now Alena has tried to show character, to get rid of parental influence, perhaps even pressure. But since she does not have character (that is, independence, decision-making skills), she, having ceased to obey her mother, began to obey her friends. If everything goes well for her, if she’s lucky and doesn’t fall into completely bad company, then she will continue to obey her husband, boss, etc. in the same way.

It turns out that what her mother was so happy about should actually be alarming.

If you are used to making decisions for your child, if to every “I myself” from early childhood you answered: “You can’t. You don’t know how,” if you chose friends for him, if you constantly repeated that you know better what he should do, because you are older, smarter and more experienced, then do not be surprised if he, having ceased to obey you, begins to obey another person. I would like to hope that this other person will not teach him anything bad. What if he does teach?

Allow children to make mistakes

What to do? The answer is simple - to raise an independent person. Let your child not be a leader, let him never reach the top of the career ladder and never, say, run for president. But he must have his own point of view on any problem and be able to defend this point of view. If you are a parent of a preschooler, now is the time to start working on this. How? There are several rules that must be strictly followed, even if there is a great temptation to ignore them.

Firstly, never offer a ready-made solution, even in small things. Create situations where the child will have to make a choice. Invite him to decide for himself what kind of porridge he will eat, what clothes he will wear, where he will go for a walk.

Secondly, do not suppress his initiative. Of course, you want to wash the dishes faster and finally relax, and not wait for your child to flood the kitchen floor with water and stir up dirt in the sink. Stop yourself. Don’t tell him: “No need, better play.” Be patient and wait for him to wash everything. Then, when he goes to bed, you wash both the dishes and the kitchen floor. Not many people, I must admit, find the strength to do this. But those who find, believe me, are rewarded.

Teach him to defend his position. How? First of all, by personal example. Don’t just ban it - Gleb Zheglov could say as an argument: “I said!” You will have to explain any prohibition: “I don’t allow it, because...” they suggest playing the game “Cunning Argumentator” with a preschooler or elementary school student. The presenter puts forward a thesis, let’s say: “It’s bad to quarrel because...” The rest must prove this thesis. Theses, naturally, should correlate with the age of the participants in the game.

Work on mistakes

Well, what should Alenina’s mother and other parents do who have discovered that their children are ready to obey anyone, including marginal peers?

First, about what not to do.

First of all, we want to warn you against a very common mistake that can only aggravate the situation. Under no circumstances should you forbid your teenager to be friends with those you don’t like—you will cause a backlash. Don’t try to say nasty things about these people you don’t like - you won’t achieve your goal; on the contrary, the child will try to find a counter-argument for every argument you make, so that these very marginal friends in his own mind will turn into knights without fear or reproach.

Now what to do.

Meet these friends. No matter how unpleasant it may be for you, invite them home. Let the child’s communication with them take place on your territory.

Talk to your child more, go for walks, travel. Try to become his friend and interlocutor. This will not happen immediately, it will take time, but if you are patient and persistent, you will take a place in his life, gradually displacing “bad friends”, your influence on the child’s personality will be stronger.

Increase his self-esteem. Praise even for little things, do not humiliate, do not emphasize his shortcomings. Let him gain self-confidence - there will be a chance that over time he will stop being “led by” the cheap tricks of leaders who gather around themselves a weak-willed and spineless flock.

Teach your child to say “no.” This skill will be very useful to him in life. Explain that you can step over yourself and your beliefs only in rare cases, which have happened once or twice in your life. In all other situations, you should not allow yourself to be manipulated.

Yes, and by the way, think about it - shouldn’t you change something about yourself? The Russian teacher Ushinsky said: “Only a personality can educate a personality.” Pathetic, of course, but essentially fair, isn’t it?