What to do if his mother is against your relationship. What to do if your parents are against your boyfriend? Refusal of criticism

If you are in love with a girl, and after meeting your parents, they oppose her, you should not create scandals and say that you choose her, not them. Remember that your parents are the most precious people in your life (of course, before you have your own children), so in such a situation you should never give up on them. Act more wisely. Talk to your mom and dad, explain to them how much you love them and respect their opinions, but they should also listen to your emotions and feelings. Tell your parents about how many good qualities your significant other has and find out what exactly doesn’t suit them about her. Most likely, they will answer your question, you will understand what causes their caution. After this, you can arrange a conversation with your beloved girl and explain to her that your parents are not happy with some aspects of her behavior. If she truly loves you, she will definitely make an effort to change and please your family. Maybe she has some bad habits that she will have to give up for the sake of your future together, or, for example, she behaves too liberated, which can also be easily corrected.

Why might parents not like a girl?

Understand that negativity towards your significant other can be caused by various reasons. The first of them is banal jealousy. It’s just that your family is afraid that once you start a serious relationship, you will stop paying attention to them, and will spend all your free time only with your passion. Surround your parents with attention and care, let them understand that despite the appearance of another person in your life, they will still forever remain the closest and dearest people to you.

The second reason for parental hostility towards a girl is negative statements from society about her and her family. If before this mom and dad did not have time to meet your soulmate, correct the situation and, as quickly as possible, organize their meeting. Let them themselves communicate with the person to whom you gave your heart and make sure that all the words spoken by third parties are just rumors, not confirmed by real facts. You will get another plus from this acquaintance - your parents will understand that you not only trust them, but also treat your beloved with complete seriousness, and do not consider your relationship with her to be just another affair.

Diana, your mother’s reaction is, of course, sharp, but quite understandable - her beloved daughter is insulted in her presence, the desire to protect her child is quite natural in this case. Another thing is that the child is already 20 years old, and the methods of communication that are accepted in your family are no longer effective. The problem, it seems to me, is deeper - very often adult children do not dare to build their relationships and separate from their parents because it seems to them that they are faced with a choice: either a spouse or a mother. And parents often have difficulty letting their children go into adulthood, because there is an illusion that their children will leave them forever. This is where tossing, quarrels, disagreements, and indecision happen. In your situation, everything is complicated by the absence of your father - who will your mother stay with if you build a relationship and start living with your man? Unconsciously, both you and she are afraid of this new stage in your life. But the fact is that this choice is illusory, we don’t really choose either/or, we become wives for our husbands, while continuing to remain children for our parents. At the same time, we naturally have to build a different relationship with our parents - the relationship of adult parents with adult children. It's not that easy, it takes some work, but it needs to be done. Your secret meetings with your boyfriend now resemble the behavior of a small child afraid of maternal punishment, and soon these meetings will become obvious, and then what?

Just don’t rush to immediately declare your adulthood and “jump in the face”; judging by your description, your mother requires special care and respect, as well as tact and perseverance. In addition, you must agree that somewhere your mother is right and your young man really behaved rudely. Can you rely on him, is he respectful enough to your family and to you? Judging by your description, he also has rather complicated feelings and is more inclined to conflict than to seek reconciliation. Perhaps he also believes that you should choose either/or? In this case, it will also be necessary to build a relationship with him in which you are not a rootless orphan, but the daughter of your parents and will always be so. On the other hand, if your relationship is strong and serious, then your boyfriend can serve as a support for you, including in your relationship with your mother. Agree, it is much easier to let your daughter go to a good and reliable man than to someone unknown. But in order for him to become good and reliable for your mother, he must stop being a stranger kidnapping her little blood. Is he also ready to reconcile, show respect for your mother, gratitude for raising such a wonderful daughter? This again requires your work and your desire. Respect and gratitude will not appear in him just like that.

Of course, you are in a difficult situation, but believe me, you can resolve it. If you need help and support, please contact us.

Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer “Diana, your mother’s reaction is, of course, sharp, but quite understandable - in her presence they insult her loved ones...” to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?

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Let's talk today about the parents of your beloved man. More precisely, about your boyfriend’s mother. Even more precisely - if his mother is against your relationship. It rarely happens that a girl immediately likes her boyfriend's mother. That's why she's a real mother :) Let's look at how to cope with this situation and what can be done below.

The guy's mother, who is also his mother-in-law: against it!

First, let’s clarify that mothers are different. Therefore, sons grow up in different conditions. Roughly summarizing, three options can be distinguished:

1. Mom raised her son.
2. The son grew up on his own.
3. The “mama’s boy” grew up.

Now let’s calmly look at each option and ways to deal with the future mother-in-law’s dissatisfaction with her son’s choice.

Mom raised her son: a good and caring mother who raised her boy in the hope of seeing in her daughter-in-law an equally caring woman for him. But if there is a conflict between the expected image and you, then you are not the person he needs (according to the future mother-in-law).

The only solution can be to patiently find out what exactly is causing the alarm. After all, you are a normal and good person. Something just “seemed” to her or there was some misunderstanding in communication at first. And from that moment everything went wrong. Your task: tactfully find out what exactly you didn’t like and what was “wrong”. Then just put everything in its place.

Having become convinced over time that any normal mother will change her attitude - his happiness is above all else for her. You only need patience and tact to build a relationship with your mother-in-law. What is simply necessary for your happy family life.

The son grew up on his own: There are such mothers (it’s hard to call them mothers) who live for their own pleasure. A child (son) is born simply as a tribute to social norms and under pressure from the family/husband. The sons of such mothers grow up like roadside grass - without the usual maternal love. Having matured early, the son becomes independent and brings you to his mother simply for “getting to know you.” The choice of his beloved woman has already been made for him and he considers introducing you to other family members as simply a necessary formality.

But the guy’s mom is against your relationship. After all, by this time she is already old and requires increased attention and care. Which is in no way included in your plans for life :) Why the conflict occurs: mom is against it! The solution is simple: your boyfriend will protect you from your mother-in-law’s claims, since he does not consider them correct. Which is quite fair.

The “mama’s boy” grew up: A son is the light of the eyes and the most precious thing in life for some mothers. I’ll say right away that it will be difficult for you to snatch your beloved “child” from the tenacious, caring hands. But if you succeed, then your destiny is to become a “mommy” for your boyfriend, since the “mama’s boy” state of mind remains for life.

Pleasing her in order to establish mutual understanding is useless here. Such a mother is always convinced that her son needs something different: “better, more educated, more caring, more attentive, etc.” By the way, even if you break up with your boyfriend, the next contender for the title of “daughter-in-law” will hear the same complaints. Whether to go further along this path and seek recognition from your mother-in-law is up to you. Mine is to warn you :)

Possible options for the mother-in-law's dissatisfaction with her son's choice are not limited to the above examples. Life plays with colors and has clear zones: like/dislike. I tried to give examples of the most common situations when his mother is against your relationship. Your case (if it happens, God forbid) may have another reason for disagreements with your future mother-in-law. If she is a normal loving mother, then over time you will find a common language. If not: remember that the main thing is your love and direct all your strength there. Good luck.

Save so you don't lose!

I am 22 years old. I have a problem with my mother, she is categorically against my boyfriend. It all started a long time ago when she started using social media instead of me. networks and communicate with guys, thus looking for someone who suits me as she thinks. I sent them to meetings, I didn’t like these guys at all. And only at the age of 21 I met a guy whom I now love very much. Mom asked me to read our correspondence with him, I refused, I was angry. I went on a date with him, after which there was a scandal. At the same time, I had to communicate with someone she really liked. Such a street guy, simple as she thinks, but for some reason rude, asking vulgar questions, who believed that I owed him something. It’s as if I’m being cut into pieces, or being mentally raped, I don’t know how to describe it. I've been quietly dating a guy for a long time. He wants to meet his mother, he knows the whole situation. But I can't change anything. Mom set the condition that I stop communicating with him altogether, he is not the one I need, he pretends to be someone else, she has a bad heart and every time she refers to me as wanting her to die and only I am to blame for this. She involved her brother, who is completely on her side. I'm being torn apart, I don't know what to do... I just truly love, but they don't give me...

Doctor of Feelings Valery Egorov:

Varya, at 22, you still have not separated from your mother, not only territorially, as I believe, but also psychologically. The so-called process has not been completed. psychological separation.

It all started a long time ago when she started using social media instead of me. networks and communicate with guys, thus looking for someone who suits me as she thinks.

Where is your dad, Varya? Most likely, your mother raised you and raised you alone, without the participation of your own father, right?!

This process of separation and development of independence of the child is called separation. Moreover, separation occurs not when the child receives a passport or first salary (as some mothers believe), but constantly - starting almost from the moment of birth.

This is one of the most paradoxical parental feelings, especially for single mothers: how is it that something that was part of you separates and becomes independent?! Guard!

And the emotional energy, which in a stable, prosperous society is absorbed by marital relationships, is transferred to relationships with children. This tradition, thanks to the events that took place and are ongoing on the territory of both the USSR and the post-USSR, has been preserved, and today a typical family is a coalition of mother and children in the center of the family, and the husband is on its periphery or is generally excluded from raising children.

The child learns to move, do without his mother, walk, run, play... communicate with others, acquire his own personal interests - all this is separation, the ability to be separate, on his own. All this greatly worries parents who are not interested in the independence of their own children.

Usually these parents are mothers.

Mothers do not want to see the obvious that their child is also a person with his own desires, his own feelings. Your vision as his (her) correct. Your choice of friends and loved ones...

Why do mothers need this, what does this close symbiosis with her child give them? The reasons are different in each case.

Anxious, symbiotic mothers can receive a feeling of stability from such a union-merger created by them, and a feeling of their own relevance, and the opportunity to constantly show (impose) care, because she always does everything herself, like a draft horse... and you, a child, must, must... and This all gives the mother a feeling of some kind of structure and predictability.

And when a child begins to express himself and his desires, makes his choice, especially one that threatens that this “mother-child” symbiosis will break, then often such mothers begin a war for their usual. They feel the threat of destruction of their stable little world.

I'm being torn apart, I don't know what to do... I just truly love, but they don't give me...

Separation also affects the choice of partner. A young girl, a woman who is strongly influenced by her mother and suffers from this, is likely to choose a young man who, in her opinion, can tear her away from her mother and protect her from maternal influence.

Often, indeed, this choice of a woman is not the choice of her beloved, the only one, but the choice of the one who can resist.

Yes, every Beauty deserves her Beast.

Usually this is a man who does not find a common language with his mother, who is not accepted in the girl’s family. This will then be the reason for divorce. Often in such cases, the young woman returns to her parental family with the child. This, in a sense, solves her problems of separation from her mother. She pays off her mother as a child and gains freedom.

In systemic family therapy, such a child is called a replacement child. He replaces his mother in relations with his grandmother, performs her functions, and in this sense does not live his own life. And the natural mother moves away, withdraws... She often marries “unsuccessfully” again and again.

Of course, it is ideal when this process of separation occurs naturally: during the “three-year crisis,” during the “crisis of adolescence.” But, unfortunately, in real life we ​​often encounter the opposite.

People who have not undergone separation experience great difficulty in creating their own families and raising children.

In a sense, they simply do not exist as such - people with built-in boundaries of the Self, they are rather parts of the whole - pieces of the undivided ego-mass of a multi-generational family.

To successfully complete the separation process, both parents and children must be prepared for it.

The initiative always comes from the child and, if the parent is too sensitive to the changes taking place and does not even want to try to accept them, there is a high risk of failure or a complete break in the relationship.

For some, it takes years and decades to make their mother understand that “the child is also a person.” Some people prefer to act at a distance - they leave their parental family and almost break off relationships. Some people train an iron will and a sense of humor in their relationships with their parents. Some people prefer not to solve problems with separation: and then their children will have to solve these problems.

The criteria for ending separation are the emotional independence of children from their parents, when children begin to regulate their relationships with loved ones, live in harmony with them, without mutual resentment and tension, when the child separates himself from his family, but at the same time maintains connections with it.

Maintaining such a balance, mature relationships, and restructuring of the family structure are the successful completion of separation.

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?

Step #1. Separation exercise: “rock garden”

On the shore, somewhere on the street, in a quarry, in the garden... Collect a dozen or two stones: pebbles, granite, pellets, maybe even a meteorite J :))) stones that are not very large, so that each one can fit in the palm of your hand.

1.Lay them out in front of you. Choose 2 pebbles from this pile:

1 is you, 2 is the parent (or child, if the separation is between you and the child) What do these stones have in common? How are they different? How does this reflect on your life? About you and your parents?

2. Place these 2 stones in a certain conventional space relative to each other...

How are the stones located now? What does this mean to you? How would you like them to be located? What will this mean to you?

3. Place the stones together in two palms at once... feel what is happening to you.

4. Then squeeze one stone in one fist, the other in the other... And slowly open your hands... Feel what is happening...

5. Keep these stones in different places at home. And remember your first step towards your separation.

______________

But I can't change anything...

I do not know what to do…

Step #2.

Finding answers and right decisions, finding a happy consensus is already a format for long, trusting communication in the contractual field of the “Client-Specialist” relationship, outside the “free online” section.

Training in a private format of a personal program. To get there, go through an interview online,

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Intimately about the secret...

With best wishes to you, Doctor of Feelings Valery Egorov - your personal consultant on the most intimate, doctor of the highest category, psychologist, trainer, group leader.

Straightening the distortions of fate, characters, relationships, returning feelings. Help in solving sensory, bodily, emotional problems.
Psychological assistance, support, individual online programs, trainings. Our communication takes place via correspondence (e-mail) and/or Skype chat.

Specialization:
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Parents are not always delighted with their children's chosen ones. Unfortunately, this is a fairly common occurrence. Many parents allow themselves to openly show hostility towards the young man who is caring for their daughter. This is especially true for those daughters who are strongly emotionally dependent on their blood relatives.

The situation when parents are against a guy, unfortunately, is not uncommon. Even if there are no serious grounds for the formation of hostility, they may still be categorically dissatisfied with the choice of their child. Mothers are more sensitive to their daughter’s choice, so they often create scandals and show expressed dissatisfaction. What to do if your parents are against your boyfriend? What should a girl do? What steps need to be taken to restore peace of mind and understanding within the family? Let's try to figure it out.

Understand the reason

Girls, thinking about why my parents are against my boyfriend, should understand what led to such a reaction. After all, everything in life does not happen on its own. It is necessary to try with all your might to understand the reason for what is happening, to decide what actions entail such an ambiguous reaction. After all, if the reason is not clear, it will be quite difficult to fight it. Once you understand the reason, you can begin to take active action. Most often, caring mothers are really afraid that the young man will somehow harm their daughter and make her unhappy. If the main reason becomes clear at some point, then you need to try to immediately improve the relationship. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to remind you that there is no longer any reason to worry. Let parents feel confident about their daughter.

Grudges won't help

There's no point in being offended by your parents because they don't take your boyfriend for granted. Nothing will change from this, only more conflicts will arise in the family. On the contrary, you need to try to get rid of all kinds of negative emotions as soon as possible. It is known that grievances destroy a person and force him to start playing some other people’s roles in front of others. A man may not understand why his chosen one’s family is biased towards him. It seems he has not done anything wrong.

It takes a lot of patience and true participation to overcome the abyss that arose initially. It is necessary to refuse all blackmail. There is no point in bringing charges against the parents. Even if they are fair, it will not change anything. In this way, you can incur additional aggression and at the same time not become happier. Most likely, the consequences will be even more unpredictable than one could initially imagine. When relatives are met with a calm and wise attitude instead of hysteria, they begin to think about their attitude and often change it for the better. When children manage to behave wiser than their parents, both sides certainly benefit.

Refusal of criticism

You can't complain to your parents about your boyfriend. It is not recommended to do this even sometimes, in moments of severe emotional upheaval. Otherwise, you shouldn’t be surprised that mom and dad don’t accept him. Even if a girl has a serious quarrel with her boyfriend, you should remember that family members will perceive this incident much more globally than it actually is. This negative moment will be forever fixed in their memory, and no force will be able to convince them otherwise.

Refusing criticism will help avoid unwanted consequences. You just need to restrain yourself in time and never respond with rudeness. Real changes in life for the better will begin only when the guy stops annoying people close to him. It's worth working on. After all, if a mother is against a guy, this does not mean that he is bad or unworthy of attention. With some effort, you can achieve good results that will satisfy everyone.

Taking responsibility

Sometimes in difficult situations people feel that they cannot do anything to achieve their goal. In fact, you just need to accept responsibility for everything that happens. If parents treat their daughter's boyfriend poorly, you need to understand that this is not as global as it might seem at first glance. If the young man manages to make a good impression in the future, the attitude towards him will definitely change.

Taking full responsibility means giving up anger and any negative feelings. The calmer the daughter behaves, the faster her closest relatives will be able to accept her young man as their own. You need to learn to show prudence, prudence, activity and perseverance. Adulthood implies not just appropriate actions, but also the desire to be wise, responsible, and disciplined.

Frank conversation

When girls say that my mother is against my boyfriend, they often mean that no one wants to understand them. This is a childish position in which there is dissatisfaction and accusations. The person seems to be complaining to others that he cannot cope with the negative circumstances of his life. It does not allow you to really solve the problem and act in life in accordance with your inner beliefs.

A frank conversation with your mother and father will help you consider all the nuances. The daughter needs to explain as specifically as possible why she made this choice. You must try to be as sincere and honest as possible. Having heard an answer that suits them, parents will most likely no longer create obstacles to seeing their daughter happy. In most cases, parents wish their children well, even if they themselves never utter tender and beautiful words out loud. A frank conversation is good because it allows you to work through existing problems in the family and clarify all possible misunderstandings. This result should be wished for every person who really wants to change their life.

Community of interests

You need to try to find something in common between the girl’s parents and the guy himself. Maybe he plays the guitar great or is good at painting? Perhaps he knows how to draw well, so that later it would be nice to look at the drawing? Playing sports also brings us incredibly closer together, allowing people to feel some unity while being with each other. Either way, everything matters. Common interests mean that people can spend leisure time together. They will not regret the time spent on each other. Common interests sometimes help smooth out even pronounced conflicts and lead to some significant result. The more effort a person makes to make a favorable impression on those around him, the more he reveals his individual character traits. If a young man has no obvious talents, but wants to make a good impression, he needs to make a serious effort. To do this, sometimes it is enough to emphasize your interests or simply start listening more carefully to the words of your parents.

Thus, if parents do not accept their daughter's boyfriend, do not despair. You need to have a lot of patience and begin to act deliberately, confidently and consistently. Over time, the guy will have internal resources that will help him feel a surge of strength.